Sign Language

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Things get tricky when you live in an economy of scarcity. Sharing (of anything—love, food, your bed) becomes nigh unto impossible when you believe there won't be enough to satisfy your own needs, let alone those of others. "Let them take care of themselves," you think. "I've barely got enough for me." Unfortunately, it's that kind of attitude that begets true scarcity. Imagine that your positions were reversed; you'd dearly hope to benefit from a little generosity, and you would—as long as you take care of those in need now. Keep half of whatever you've got for yourself this week. Give the rest away. You'll be amazed at how far it goes.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Some physicists propound the lonely theory that our universe is expanding; already-vast distances become more impassable all the time. Others theorize that it'll eventually contract, ultimately creating another Big Bang and a whole new universe. A third faction believes that the universe has equilibrium and will maintain itself indefinitely. As without, so within. You, too, could go in any of three directions: Continue to expand, allowing your numerous connections to grow fainter and less intimate; turn inward and be reborn, reforging intimacies as you go; or find a balanced path in between. Choose, this week: hermit, phoenix, or regular joe? Which path is best is up to you.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

The dog is always ready for excitement. His transition from deep, nearly comatose sleep to dancing at the doorknob in anticipation of a walk takes about three seconds. Be the dog. It's about absolute presence, about being cool with whatever's going on. If you have a half-hour to sleep, plunge into dreamland instantly. And if something's going on when you'd been planning on sleeping, go with it. Fuck your schedule; the universe has its own plans for you this week. Either accept that and have a blast or resist it and be miserable. But don't say you weren't warned.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

This is a good week to amicably break up with someone. You know, say, "Let's be friends," and really mean it. It's also a good week to find a fuckbud, the kind who'll actually have sex with you for months and never get bored or overly sentimental. Seize this opportunity. You're always thinking shit like, "I've been meaning to tell him, there just hasn't been the right moment." This week has an abundance of right moments, so act on them. If you procrastinate further and consequently create a disaster, you have only yourself to blame.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Isaac Newton was the kind of genius who felt that the thrill and importance of discovery outweighed personal safety. He famously conducted experiments that involved staring at the sun until he went blind, or sticking a needle deeply between his eye and eyelid to satisfy his own curiosity. You should identify. Having an ex­perience is usually a higher priority than keeping yourself safe. The choices ahead of you all possess a serious element of danger or risk—eight out of the 11 other signs would quail before exploring any of them. Luckily, your only regret is likely to be that you don't have time to explore them all. Try anyway; you have to keep up your rep somehow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

All my romantic gestures fell flat last week. Everything I tried either backfired or simply didn't happen the way I intended. However, I'm undeterred. I have a whole batch of new ones I mean to whip out the first chance I get. Please emulate my attitude in the coming weeks, as only about half of what you attempt will succeed at all. If you can't wrap your head around an "if-at-first-you-don't-succeed . . . " mind-set, you're fucked. Also, be motivated. If you only try twice, you'll only fail once—but you'll only succeed once. If you try 50 times, you'll have 25 failures—but as many triumphs.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

With the Cancer sun converging with your ruling planet, Saturn, you're more cuddly, needy, and vulnerable than you've been in months. Whether this turns out to be a positive or a nega­tive thing depends on how successfully you surround yourself with people who deserve and desire to be closer to the tender core of you, instead of the self-contained, overly cool folk you often identify with. You do have a handful of squishy, sweet dorks you sometimes hang out with—make this week their week. You'll all be glad you did.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

You're word-resistant this week. To get anything through to you would require whole battalions of verbs and adjectives, phalanxes of nouns collapsing in exhausted heaps against your armored shell. Regular conversations might as well be in Inuit, and e-mails and letters in Sanskrit. In fact, all normal forms of communication to and from your internal command center have been suspended until further notice. Therefore, concentrate on forms of communication you're not used to, like touch, music, food, and kisses. My hope is that not only will you let yourself "say" stuff that you'd never speak aloud, you'll say it better than you ever could with words.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

I wish I could say you were in for a week of lazy Sundays, which is what you really need, but you're not. Unfortunately, although you're dearly deserving of such a respite from the demands you've begun to resent (even when you'd usually welcome them), you won't get it yet. I hope you can find the strength and resilience to make it through another crazed week without having a nervous breakdown. Maybe it'll help when I tell you that next week you'll finally have the downtime you've been craving. You can lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for days on end, and no one will say a word. Sound good? Relax and try to navigate through these last few obstacles. You're less than seven days away.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Imagine you're viewing your life through a tiny keyhole—because that's effectively what's happen­ing. Your view of the big picture is confoundingly small, and that's particularly obvious this week, when it could result in a series of exponentially complicated miscommunications or misunderstandings. Instead of acting on what seems obvious, ask yourself if there's any chance that there could be an invisible element in play, some other forces at work behind the scenes. If the answer is yes, give the benefit of the doubt to those you'd normally question; you'll save yourself the embarrassment and hassle you'd experience once you found out what was really going on.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

In your case, growth usually happens imperceptibly slowly, only visible cumulatively, over time. But every once in a while, you get an overnight growth spurt that even your dopey boyfriend might notice. This week's astrological influences are like spiritual fertilizer for you Taureans. Because you're likely to shoot up three metaphorical inches and swell two shoe sizes this week, make sure you have plenty of room to do it in. If you've been feeling crowded in general lately, do what you need to do to clear out some space for the new, expanded you.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

You like to think you always do what's best for yourself, but then you go on an uncontrollable candy binge and make yourself sick—all the while knowing exactly what will happen, but unable to stop yourself. This week you're especially susceptible to the delicious but self-destructive whims of your most capricious self. If you were still a kid, you could trust your well-being to a responsible parent, but you're not. Consequently, you'll probably end up doing shit that's a little stupid and bad for you. Oh well. Luckily, you're also grown up enough to repair the damage quickly, so you can concentrate on fixing yourself instead of kicking yourself.

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