Men Are From Mars (and So Are Women)

What do women want???

I am a good-looking guy. I'm fit and trim—ski instructor in winter, boater during summer. I'm in my mid-40s and bring home a six-figure income. Believe me, I know how to treat a woman right, both in and out of the bedroom—flowers occasionally, jewelry for birthdays and Christmas. I have a nice home, and all my grown kids are out of the house. I have no financial or chemical-dependency problems.

Now my girlfriend of about two years tells me we should open our relationship to see others. This is the jealous girl who asked me to drop all others for her about five months into our relationship. Now I'm in love with her, and she drops this bomb on me! She asked why we can't do this!

I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "I can't do this because I love you!"

Wow, my heart has been ripped out and jumped on! What is with you women? Where did I go wrong?

Kicked to the Curb in Seattle

First of all, thank you for sending along the handsome photo. You are indeed a good-looking fella. And while the tux is a nice touch, for future reference, the Girl of Date prefers artful nudes—bearskin rugs, coy smiles, a rose gripped between the teeth . . . that kind of thing.

Now, to get to your problem: This isn't about what women want; this is about what your woman wanted. I'm going to be blunt here, so sit down. It sounds to me like she met someone else. Someone who she wasn't quite sure returned her affections, hence she wanted to keep you around as the safety net. Which is completely shitty behavior, but not gender-specific. I've had men pull the same crap on me, though thankfully not two years into the relationship.

I urge you not to blame all women for one broad's tacky behavior. The longer I write this column, the more I'm convinced that gender disparities—when it comes to cruelty—don't exist. For every wretched ho making some man's life an exercise in misery, there's a sociopathic creep phone-stalking his ex. Too bad they don't just date each other.

I just had coffee with a gentleman, and my agitation has nothing to do with the near-pharmaceutical dose of caffeine I quaffed. This charming man, who recently asked me out during a class we take together, just spent the last half-hour explaining how I can help ease his way through his divorce and adjust his nutrition. Lucky me.

Ambush No. 1: current divorce. But my question really stems from the second point. I'm a personal trainer with a pretty successful client base. Please tell me men aren't stupid enough that he could think he's going to charm me into giving away free services. Because I might consult further on his nutrition/exercise, but I don't date clients.

I'll probably help him professionally and write off the bad manners as post- traumatic relationship funk. But if he is actually interested, thanks to all the startlingly large red flapping flags, I think I'll pass.

The recently divorced or dumped should not be allowed to interact with other human beings until they've been deemed "over it" by a panel of their peers. It would save all of us unsuspecting single folk an assload of aggro. I'm sure in this guy's deranged mind he was just flirting with a pretty girl— finding common ground, talking about his feelings, whatnot. Flattering though his intentions might be, you really don't need some moany, almost-divorced fella bending your ear about all his myriad problems.

Because that's exactly what you'd be getting yourself into, I suggest you keep it professional. Make sure you carry a price list of your services with you at all times. This way, the next time he talks about how much you can do for him, you can show him how much it'll cost him. (And if he eventually quits acting like a heartbroken retard, you can fire him as a client and keep him as a studmonkey.)

For free advice, write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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