My name is Jerome, and I ain't had any in a long time! I'm at present incarcerated and looking for a pen pal! With any luck, someone to hook up with when I get out! I get out 11/25/05. I'm here for rez/burg! [He burgled a house or two.—DG] I don't know if I'll get a response, I just seen the address and thought I'd give it a shot! If there is any way to get a list of names, numbers, and addresses, I would appreciate it. I'm 25, have black hair, hazel-green eyes, I'm 6'2", and like to read, work out, and write poems.
Hope to hear from someone soon! Thanks for your time!
While you certainly are an enthusiastic and, I'm sure, a very attractive fella, there's a good reason you're not getting laid—you're in prison. Not shockingly, not-a-one of my single girlfriends jumped at the chance to become your pen pal. But I'm not here to pick on perps who are making their penance with the state.
The reason I printed Jerome's letter is to illustrate that there are valid reasons for not having sex. Being locked up is one. Being incapacitated is another. Having a temporary lull in attractiveness is still another. Other than those, I'm kind of stumped. . . .
Six months ago, I met this guy through a mutual friend. We really hit it off and have been "seeing" one another ever since. We don't live in the same city and he works a lot, his job causing him to be gone three weeks out of every month. This, of course, makes it hard to see one another very often!
I totally support his job because it's something he loves, but I get frustrated that we hardly ever see one another. All my friends say I should give up and move on, but I just have this feeling that if I stick around, it will be worth it in the end. When we're together, he's very romantic and lets me know I'm the girl he wants. He tells me how beautiful I am and how much he enjoys being with me. We have so much in common and just really click!
Am I being a fool by staying with him, maybe just setting myself up for heartbreak? Or do you think that I should stick around and follow my heart? Any advice?
OK, setting yourself up in a relationship where the other person is never around—that's not a good reason for celibacy. As much as it pains me to admit someone other than myself might be right (which would make me wrong!), I've found that my friends are generally correct and wise in their counsel. If trusted pals are telling you to move on, it's probably because you're spending an inordinate amount of time bitching and moaning and just generally bugging the hell out of them.
Not that your relationship sounds all bad. Myself, I need a lot of alone time. I get reading done, I (very!) occasionally clean the filthhole I live in, and sometimes I just stare into space for an hour or two. Unfortunately, when I'm in a relationship I also need a lot of sex. And while some activities are more fun on your own (watching movies, baking bread, and picking your nose), sex is generally more enjoyable when there's another person in the room.
But if you were truly content with your part-time arrangement, you wouldn't be writing to a dopey advice columnist, nor would you be holding your breath, imagining some fantastical future that may or may not ever happen. (And if it did, what then? Would you graduate into having a one-week-a-month husband? Or an 84-days-a-year daddy to your kids?) You need to take a hard look at your reality:
•You have a very part-time boyfriend with none of the perks of a relationship (mind-blowing sex whenever you want it), and all of the pitfalls (phone fights, missing him, sexual deprivation). Is this good enough, or do you want a full-time man with benefits?
•Do you spend more hours being happy or sad? Do the math.
•Is he happy with the way things are now? Because if he is, that should tell you something—i.e., it's not going to change.
Not happy? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.