To be single on Valentine's Day is to be pitied by all. Why do single people tolerate being treated like lepers on this one day, year after year? Not to burst your bubble, couples, but so-called V-Day plays back to the Roman Empire, when St. Valentine, an advocate of forbidden marriage, was brutally murdered by Emperor Claudius II on Feb. 14, 269 A.D. Wow, what a lovely day to commemorate while showering your sweetheart with flowers and candy.
Certain Web sites exist that are purely dedicated to bitching about being solo on this day. Pathetic. Other Web sites insist that singles should read a book, call a friend (um, they're all out with their boyfriends), or take a long, relaxing bubble bath. More pathetic. People, really, be thankful that you don't have to spend a ton of money on chocolates that are just going to make your partner even chubbier. Stop dwelling on your singlehood, and embrace it. And if you are super lonely on V-Day, whatever you do, don't light a candle, take a bath, or watch a cheesy movie like these Web sites recommend—all of this advice is pretty much bullshit.
But if you just can't get over the solo-V-Day blues, here are three suggestions to get you through it: (1) Slather on your blackest black liquid eyeliner. Paint your face white. Put on some goth-style boots and wear all black. Go out. Bask in glory while the only topic of conversation for the sad couples around you will be you. (2) Get drunk. It never fails, right? Better yet, get drunk, get on your computer, and visit the American Association for Single People's Web site. After finding out that 44 percent of U.S. adults are single, you can feel accomplished before you pass out in a pool of puke. (3) If all else fails, go St. Valentine's Day Massacre–style. First, watch Scarface, Andrew Dice Clay: V-Day Massacre, and Some Like It Hot. When finished, grab your Uzi. Approach happy couple No. 1, and fire away. Repeat as needed.
Disclaimer: I am joking. Don't really do this. Happy Valentine's Day.