Oh, God! Book II

It's been just over a year since I last sat down with the Lord and his son for a cozy chat about The Passion of the Christ. With the film now in rerelease, and the heavenly hosts still making headlines, I thought it was high time to get an update on their attitudes toward Mel, marriage, and manifest destiny.

Seattle Weekly: Any further thoughts about Mel Gibson, who has just released a re-edited version of his film that he's calling The Passion Recut? In print ads, he says, "By softening some of its more wrenching aspects, I hope to make my film and its message of love available to a wider audience."

Jesus: Wider than what? The guy can buy a small Middle Eastern country with what he's already made off that thing. Try cutting some of the excess off Braveheart and maybe we'll talk.

God: Always a joke with this one.

But are you two happy about the movie's incredible popularity? It grossed something like $400 million.

God: It grossed me out, is what it did. Leave something to the imagination, already. If I wanted Psycho, I'd watch Psycho.

Jesus: It wasn't really an event I personally cared to revisit in such detail. But, hey, if it got someone to read the Book . . . 

How did you feel about it not winning any Oscars?

Jesus (slapping his forehead): Oh, God, did we miss the Oscars again?

God: Christ, I guess we did.

Well, certain conservatives, like Michael Medved, saw its lack of nominations as a major snub.

God: Please—Michael Medved?!

Jesus: Don't get him started. . . . 

God: That verkakte film critic who wants more real Christians in movies?

Jesus: Dad . . . 

God: The man should worry about more real Christians in churches, if you ask me.

Jesus: I told you he'd get like this.

God: What? Suddenly I'm not allowed an opinion?

Are either of you taking an official stand against gay marriage?

God: Who's taking a stand? I'd be happy if I could just get that Lopez girl to settle down with one fella.

Jesus: Woof.

God: Son, please.

President Bush is constantly invoking you as the inspiration behind all his actions—

Jesus: Yeah, well, all I know is, we didn't hear too much from Junior back in his fraternity days.

God: The man was a trifle idle in his younger years, yes. But who could compete with this punim? [He squeezes his son's face affectionately.]

Jesus: God, you're embarrassing.

Do you think the United States has a divine mission in the world?

Jesus: Canceling Becker was a good start.

God: Here we go. The kid thinks he's a regular Shecky Greene.

Jesus: Your age is showing, Dad.

God: So sue me, you little delinquent.

Any advice for the rest of us before we part?

Jesus: Plastics. [He bursts out laughing.]

God: I never understand his humor. Head in the clouds.


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