Is Asking for 'Normal' Asking Too Much?

I am divorced, 45 years old, highly talented, 5-foot-6, 132 pounds, blond, and with no physical defects. I do not smoke, drink, do drugs, or participate in abuse, theft, or any other illegal actions. I had children. They are normal. I lost everything else I had—houses, money, and a lot of time. It was wasted waiting for my husbands to become normal humans. Now I am free and looking for a normal man. The problem is, every man I go out with does the exact same thing: They compare me to other women and start verbally and physically abusing me.

I'm sure that part of the problem is that other women like to see someone "get it" (get abused) because that means they're better because they didn't "get it." Is that how to be attractive? Why do other women encourage abuse?

I just wish there were normal males interested in something other than the degradation of those who are better than they are. I'd like to have the companionship of a male without him being an asshole. I wouldn't mind one who enjoys normal sex with a woman.

Let's see if you have the nerve to print the truth.

A Woman, Not a Dog

I've really been hoping that someone would ask me about my current obsession: the anal bleaching phenom. But, no. Apparently nobody but(t) me cares that women are voluntarily brushing their bungholes with bleach in order to make their brown eye blue. Instead I get a sad letter that requires earnestness. I hate sincerity more than newsboy caps or Brazilian waxes, but I'll try to put that aside. . . . 

As you may or may not know, my first boyfriend beat me up on a fairly regular basis. Odder still was that my best friend was dating his twin brother and suffered through the exact same experience. Years after we'd extricated ourselves, she said something along the lines of, "I understand how this happened to you, but I have no idea how it happened to me."

I know she didn't mean it to, but that hurt almost as badly as my first black eye.

I shouldn't have been surprised, though. Women are notoriously harder on rape victims ("Did you see what she was wearing?") than men are. In this same way, other dames can be far less forgiving of victims of domestic violence. By turning the victim into some sort of "other" ("I'd never put up with that!"), she's ensured it can never and will never happen to her . . . which is obviously complete and utter horseshit. So it's not that these women you speak of are "encouraging" abuse; they are trying to maintain an illusion of their own invulnerability (albeit in an ignorant, cruel, ham-handed way).

That you keep finding yourself in these situations means you have to start looking at what's going on inside your brain. In my case, it was having spent the first 15 years of my life getting beat up by my mom. So when I met an abusive prick who demonstrated his love for me by kicking me in the head, I won't go so far as to say it felt normal, but it wasn't as unacceptable as it would be to someone who'd never been smacked around before. Somewhere inside me, I actually sort of believed I deserved to be treated like shit. Your clinical, disembodied tone leads me to believe there might be some of that in you, as well.

There are loads of normal(ish) guys out there, but when you're accustomed to dating sociopaths, that's who you're drawn to. A lot has been written about how it's the woman's fault when she keeps getting sucked into the same patterns over and over again, but what's rarely pointed out is that sociopaths can spot easy prey as effortlessly as though she had "kick me" scrawled across her forehead. So it's not all you.

What you need to do is make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in this kind of thing. By working with a professional, you'll learn to spot and avoid the scumbags and find yourself a good one. I wish you much luck.

Next week—pubic grooming!

Hairy tales? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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