• Anakin/Darth Vader presents Padmé with two Bundt pans for daughter Leia's future hairstyle. • Original Death Star plan is met with resistance by Empire liberals. • Vader decrees that his son shall be played by a terrible actor for all eternity. • Turns out Yoda is just a damn puppet. Everyone feels pretty dumb about that one. • The Sith totally get revenge. • Obi-Wan's banishment to Tatooine is based primarily on shabby wardrobe. • First appearance of "Jedi Frodo." • Familial linkage between Han Solo, Indiana Jones, and Harrison Ford character from Working Girl is revealed. • Contrary to what Jedi say, the dark side is actually pretty awesome. • Vader visits Bakersfield Radio Shack to acquire stupid-ass looking buttons for his chest plate. • Possibly pivotal idea to "get some damn guns already" is voted down by light-saber-loving Jedi traditionalists. • C-3PO runs on Mac, while R2-D2 is entirely Linux-based. • Connection between Wookiees, Ewoks, and Care Bears is established. • Vader crushes Jedi knights while acting on what he thought was "slam dunk" intelligence. • Jar Jar Binks is beaten to death with hammers by an unexpected alliance between the Empire and the rebels. • The whole thing was all Pam Ewing's dream. firstname.lastname@example.org
Take it back to Tatooine, Obi-Wan.
Back to the Future
The last Star Wars installment succeeds—mainly by returning us to the first. By Brian Miller MORE