Handling the Holdout

I've been with my current boyfriend for nine months. Everything is cool between us, but he never seems to be in the mood for sex. I can count on one hand the times we have done the deed. I bring it up all the time. He just says he has a lot on his mind.

The reason I'm so frustrated is because he has a 9 1/2- to 10-inch member. He has the second biggest one I have seen in my life. I am so horny, I feel like if I don't get some soon, I might stray. I have tried to get him aroused, but he just ends up going to sleep with a hard-on. I have a dildo, porno flicks, lube, a mask, and some massage oil that's just going to waste!

I don't think he's cheating on me (he spends the night four to five days a week), but I am almost at my wit's end. He doesn't even ask me to give him head!! Please help!!!

P.S. I do use my dildo, and sometimes he watches.


I've got news for you, sister—things aren't "cool" between you two if, after nine months, you've had sex less than six times. Less than six times a day, sure. Even less than six times a week is acceptable, but less than six times in nine months? No wonder you're going nuts.

While I applaud you for taking your sexual satisfaction into your own hands, your boyfriend should be helping out with that big ole clubdick of his. Putting out on a regular basis is one of the first requirements listed in the boyfriend handbook. (I'll get you a copy.)

And what's with this "a lot on his mind" crap? True, I realize extreme emotional distress has an effect on the libido, but you don't mention anything particularly traumatic about his life. So what exactly is on his mind?

I racked my little brain and came up with a couple possibilities:

• Low or nonexistent sex drive. Believe it or not, there are men (and women) who go through life completely disinterested in bumping uglies. Whether for physical or emotional reasons, to them, getting laid is about as compelling as organizing the sock drawer. There are drugs and therapies that can help pump up the ardor, but if your man doesn't see he has a problem, he's probably not going to visit the doctor. If he doesn't consider your sexual starvation an issue, he's not the guy for you.

• He's gay. You'd be surprised—even in these enlightened times—how comforting the constricting confines of the closet remain for some sad cases. I'm not saying he's stepping out on the down low (yet); however, he may be primarily interested in cock but be unwilling to cop to a yen for men. Thus, he employs a "girlfriend" to fool himself and those around him into thinking he's straight.

As someone who's unwittingly pulled a Katie Holmes herself, I can assure you that dating a closet case is a loser's game. Unlike your fun openly gay friends, these dudes are filled with self-loathing and are generally looking to project this hatred onto something external. Enter, you. My Big Gay Ex finally told me he wouldn't fuck me because he found female genitalia "disgusting." Oh.

• He's not attracted to you. This is not an easy one to hear. (Unfortunately, I also know this firsthand.) There is a certain breed of guy (usually one of the aforementioned types) who will date a woman in whom they have no sexual interest. These selfish pricks deserve a smack in the head because, again, their lack of passion only ends up making you feel like crap on a stick.

Your man's lack of bedroom get-up-and-go may not be caused by any of the reasons on my admittedly simplistic and incomplete list, but the point is the same: Unless he's willing to admit that this is a problem (which you're not unreasonable in thinking it is!), nothing's going to change and you're probably going to end up wondering what's wrong with you. And yes, while his nearly foot-long schlong is hot as hell, it's a lot like having a Maserati with an empty gas tank; looks great, but goes nowhere.

Got a problem? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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