This is a thank-you note. Perhaps a bit cheesy, but hey, it's the holidays, right? About a year ago, I began reading your column and quickly grew to appreciate your straightforward, no-nonsense advice. So, I sent you one of those "Woe is me, I'm thirtysomething and can't find quality people to date in Seattle"–type of notes. In turn (and rightfully so), you busted my chops about putting in the time and paying my dues in the dating scene. You were ever so gentle in reminding me that I might not be the "prize" for some of my dates, either.
I took your advice and am happy to report that I now have a very active social life and continue to date wonderful women. I have no trouble finding quality middle-aged women in Seattle. I toughened up, but more importantly, I smartened up. I actually spent some time thinking about what I wanted, where I went, and how I was presenting myself. It paid off. I want to thank you for reminding me (and your readers) that there is hope, so get out there, have fun, and put in the time.
Along with the always-welcome butt-kiss, this fella brings up a good point that I think a lot of us forget: Successful dating requires more than just buying a lady a drink or answering a personal ad. So, for all you still-lonely readers out there, I am going to save you the trouble and make you a list of New Year's resolutions:
• Stand in front of a full-length mirror (if you don't have one, buy one, because this is a dating essential) and take an inventory of the good, the bad, and the downright fugly.
If the first thing you notice is your awesome set of gams or rock-hard abs, move along. You don't need any help. Bitch.
However, if you're more like the rest of us and tend to note the bad before the good, I want you to stop and try to come to peace with what you've got. I'm not saying that you shouldn't do anything to tone your ginormous ass, but as it's not going to firm up in the next five minutes, you have to learn to accept it as is. The sooner you're one with it, the sooner some handsome stranger is going to want to put his hands on it.
• Take advantage of the postholiday sales and invest in some new scanties. Toss anything stretched out, stained, or purchased for you by your mom. I mean it.
• Do something nice for someone you don't like. Besides racking up your karma points, it'll freak them out, and that's always good fun.
• See that person standing alone in the corner of the party, looking uncomfortable? Go talk to them, whether or not they are the gender of your choice. (If it's an awkward-looking, black-haired woman, there's a good chance it'll be me.) Placing yourself in awkward social situations is the closest thing to a dress rehearsal for dating.
• Practice patience. If you find yourself imagining walks down the aisle with a lady you've just met, excuse yourself to the men's room and bang your head on the urinal until you chill the fuck out. However, if you find yourself picturing her naked, covered in eggnog, and doing filthy things to you, that's fine.
• Even if your blind date is completely out-of-your-league hot, do not go into doormat mode. Just because he looks like Brad Pitt doesn't mean he wants to go out with a nasty Angelina Jolie type. (OK, maybe this is wishful thinking, but don't use one guy's shallowness as an excuse to feel bad about yourself.)
• Give up your most disgusting habit, or at least quit doing it in public. If it's eating pork rinds, don't. If it's quaffing up a big mountain of mucus and then spitting it out on the street, completely skeeving everyone within a three-block radius, stop it! Eww!
• But most of all—quit feeling sorry for yourself. There are worse things than having no one to kiss this New Year's Eve, and nobody—but nobody—wants to make out with a mope.
For straightforward, no-nonsense advice, write Dategirl at email@example.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.