Batman Won't Be There

But here are a bunch of other reasons why you should attend Suicide Squeeze's 10th anniversary shows.

Suicide Squeeze Records was founded in 1996 by David Dickenson when he released a 7-inch single by 764-Hero (which suspiciously featured his wife, Polly, on drums). Now, 10 years later, Dickenson has proved that one man (with a bunch of people's help) can release probably between 42 and 178 records. (I'm not exactly sure. Sorry.)

This weekend, Suicide Squeeze celebrates its 10-year anniversary with three shows at Neumo's. Even though Suicide Squeeze is not old enough to have sex or understand the consequences of its actions, it is old enough to PARTY!

What can you expect from the 10-year anniversary of Suicide Squeeze Records? I can tell you what not to expect. First of all, there won't be any of the mud slides or sexual violence of Woodstock 1994. So that's good. Don't expect a surprise appearance by Batman. (He's made up!)

What will there be? There will be a lot of punk rock with soul—from the anthemic-pop of ?????? to the cacophonous math-rock of ?????? to the synth hooks of ??????. That's right, there are elements of these shows that are so secret, that even the names of bands that have been announced can't be repeated. However, there will also be surprise guests. In fact, it's rumored that the Foo Fighters are going to do a stage-play version of Clear and Present Danger. Don't come for that reason, but you wouldn't want to miss it, would you?

What else? In the spirit of Dickenson and giving (when I first met him—and this is true—he had just finished growing his hair long to cut and donate it), much of your money will go to charities. What charities? Again, without revealing too much, the charities getting money fight one or more of the following: hunger, teenage alienation, racism, disease, poverty; I know of one organization that tirelessly fights against a kind of tomato that won't let black people eat it!

In truth, Suicide Squeeze is donating much of the money to various charities, including, the Vera Project (all-ages venue in Seattle), Bailey-Boushay House (AIDS hospice), and the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (in honor of Chris Takino, founder of UP Records). This is probably one of the few times you can go to a great show, get drunk, make out, and still have your parents approve (parents love altruism, even though some still fear the rebelliousness and sexual energy of rock and roll).

Finally, I'd like to give a chance to some of the bands playing to talk about how they feel about Suicide Squeeze Records. So, I've asked them to answer a few (literally!) leading questions about Suicide Squeeze.

Eugene Mirman: Why is Suicide Squeeze so awesome?

David Bazan (Headphones, Pedro the Lion): The commitment and integrity of David and Polly. Totally steadfast and inspires confidence.

Joe Plummer (the Black Heart Procession/Magic Magicians): David. That really is the answer, seriously. He is the best label I've ever worked with, no joke, no ass-kissing.

Erin Tate (Minus the Bear): If life were like Star Wars, David Dickenson would be like Yoda. Not the Yoda that had his whole empire fall, the Yoda that beat more ass than anyone. . . . 

Aaron Espinoza (Earlimart): They put out good records by good bands, without all the "hassle." Isn't that enough?

Ryan Frederiksen (These Arms Are Snakes): They are the nicest people on the planet and every time I converse with (Suicide Squeeze publicist) Bekah Zietz, I feel like I'm talking to the coolest person alive. Ever.

Mirman: Suicide Squeeze's slogan is "Music made with great care." Do you have any other suggestions for slogans?

Frederiksen: "Music made with great hair."

Bazan: I am confused to why the slogan is not "Bitch, Please!"

Plummer: "Music in the Key of Awesome (Z.R.)." and "Music made without health care."

Personally, I really admire Dickenson and Suicide Squeeze Records—Dickenson runs the label with great love and care. I'm very excited to be a part of these shows and very proud to have put something out on Suicide Squeeze Records. You should come to the shows. I hear there will be prizes (if I make prizes, which I might do if you come). Thanks, David, from all the bands (definitely) and fans (probably?). I guess if I had to give Suicide Squeeze a slogan, it would be (please pardon my blue language), "Fucking your ear's pussy with our super music dick since 1996."

It's probably why I'm not asked to come up slogans.

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