Cancer (June 21–July 22)
I wouldn't say you're riding a bike with square wheels, exactly, but they're hardly round, either. Maybe using hexagons as tires is workable, but it's not comfortable, speedy, or efficient. The worst part is you can only blame your limited progress on yourself, since you chose—consciously or unconsciously—the means you're using to move forward, which can best be described as clunky, laughable, and nearly pointless. Why are you holding yourself back in this ridiculous and masochistic way? There's a downhill section coming up; it'd be a shame not to be able to take advantage of it. Hammer those tires into perfect circles, already. The tool I'd use for the job? The unadulterated truth.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
I believe you can manifest stuff in your life just by wishing for it (in the right way). It helps if you're not attached to any exact picture of results, so the universe can surprise you with something you'd actually like better than what you think you'd like. It's a tricky, fiddly thing: Your wish has to be fueled by real, personal desire, but not limited by excessive attachment to that desire. What's something you truly want? Let your imagination soar beyond a new iPod. Try dreaming about love, opportunity, or experiences. Be specific, but not too specific. You may think it's bullshit, but why not try it? You're more likely to make it work this week than most.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
We use this word "instinct" to describe what animals know without ever having to learn. But what the hell is instinct? These creatures are born knowing things. They don't need to be taught this knowledge. Beavers know how to build dams. Could you build an effective dam? This is knowledge, the kind it would take you or me a long time to figure out, learn, and remember. Where is it stored? Genes? Why don't we seem to have genetic memory? Maybe we do. There are certain things you know without ever having been taught them. This week is a good one for accessing and using that knowledge.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
The most common question I'm asked: "How do you write your horoscopes?" I'm bored of my standard answer, so I've started making shit up. I've invented imaginary aliens (whom I supposedly channel) as well as a mysterious and ancient monkey paw. I've enigmatically offered to show people, if they would only produce a handful of chicken bones and a fertilized goose egg. Sometimes I tell them I let whoever asks predict their own future. What would you say, Libra? What's your horoscope for two weeks from now? Make a prediction for yourself. (Tell me, if you like: email@example.com.) It'll probably be more accurate than mine. I've only got a few charts and my intuition to work with. You have your whole life.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Sorry, Scorpio. Nothing exciting's likely to happen to you this week. Hey, don't get dramatic. You can't have earth-shattering events occur every week. Just because you're ready for action doesn't mean the universe will automatically provide it. Of course, you always have the option of stirring crap up yourself—but I wouldn't. Come on, take a vacation from intensity. Practice being lighthearted and silly. Take nothing seriously. Put away your sting, your bedroom eyes, and your piercing stare. Have some fun. When was the last time you just played? This week, make your answer to that question: "Today."
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Here you come, dripping wet from yet another cold shower. What's gotten you so hot and bothered, Sag? I know it's not just the weather. You're worked up into an internal frenzy because of something else—an unrequited desire, or perhaps even a requited one. Ready for a break? Too bad. Because things are likely to heat up even further. I know, your first instinct in that case is to run for the hills. You're not sure how much more you can stand. But fleeing won't do you any good. Besides, you can take this, even if it's more than just uncomfortable. Stick it out a little longer. See where you can take it. If it's still "unbearable" in two weeks time, then you have my permission to skip town.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
You missed out on World Cup fever. The rest of the planet avidly tuned in to the ultimate global sporting event while America (mostly) skipped it. Even though I'm hardly a sports fan, I let myself get sucked in, carried on the exuberant madness of those around me. I can't say I ever cared who won—it seems arbitrary to me—but it was a fun experience nevertheless. You may not naturally share the enthusiasm your partner or your friends have about something, but won't you consider going along with it, just this once? I'm not talking about lamely humoring them while dragging your feet the whole way. I'm suggesting you wholeheartedly run with the pack this time. It might be a "waste" of time, but you never know—you might actually enjoy it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Don't you wish, sometimes, that you could experience life as a video game? Screw something up, and you could just go to the last place you saved and play it again until you get it right. Unfortunately, life's stakes are higher than any video game—you usually only get one try. This week, however, is an exception. You are likely to be granted a single second chance to redo one thing you definitely could have done better. I hope you've been practicing (in your head, at least). Because if you screw up this time around, you definitely won't get another shot.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
You can't spin straw into gold—yet. But you are capable of performing similar wealth-attracting miracles—when you want to. Your problem isn't lack of ability; it's discipline over your own mind. You don't lack ambition, really; Pisces are dreamers first and foremost. It's just sometimes difficult getting yourself to do the things that will make your dreams reality. There's nothing I can say that will really help you with this. It's up to you. I think you question, often, whether you truly want your dreams to come true. Once you stop doing that, they probably will.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
I love you, Aries. I can say that because I've adored every Ram I've ever met. But one thing I've noticed is that you don't hear how well you're loved nearly often enough. Sometimes you're led to believe that you're too needy and self-centered, and shouldn't crave so much affection. Bullshit. You do deserve more than you get. So here's some more: You rock. Your warmth, generosity, and playfulness are awesome. Hopefully, there'll be a lot more of this kind of thing coming your way this week. You don't even need to ask for it; just put yourself in situations where it might come your way. It probably will.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Your fellow Taurus David Attenborough—the man best known for his brilliant nature documentaries—is one of my heroes. What an amazing career he's created for himself: getting paid (probably well) to get up close and personal with Earth's most fascinating creatures. Aim in his direction, would you? Find some way to earn money doing things you'd do for free. Too many of us, especially you security-craving Tauri, spend too much time earning money doing things we hate—sometimes even things that are contrary to our personal ethos. Can you see even a halfway-decent chance of making things happen your way? If you do, it'd be a crime not to go full-throttle for it.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Twins love to communicate. You might be choosy about whom you talk to (and whom you don't), but I've never met a Gemini who consistently had trouble talking—about pretty much anything, anytime. So why have you shut yourself down, at least about one particular (and admittedly touchy) subject? It's most unlike you. Do you really want that sore place to fester and get worse before you'll open your mouth about it? That's lame. Speak up now, because forever holding your peace isn't an option. You'll have to mention what's bugging you eventually, believe me—and it'll be a million times harder to resolve later than it is right this second.