I'd been intending to write about an issue that I have with ladies and their shaving and cleanliness habits. Once I read last week's column ["You Wanna What?!!?!" Oct. 25], I knew I had to.
I want to make it clear that I'm not a clean freak. I'm not afraid of a girl's natural odors; hairy pits, legs, or lady bits. I actually prefer hairy armpits. As for the crotch—I like hair in the front and clean underneath.
I love the natural scent of girls without any perfume, deodorant, or douche interfering with it. I know many boys that feel this way—we don't want you to cover up one of the essential elements that makes you sexy and gets us hot.
I'm having trouble finding that happy medium. Too many women aren't keeping that area on the up and up. All I'm looking for is a daily cleansing with some warm water—soap isn't even necessary (I know that soap irritates some hoo hoos).
This is a delicate subject to bring up because many women would (of course) be hurt. Not only that, then they would also go overboard. I'm afraid that the next time I had my face down there (if there was a next time!) I'd find a completely shaved, perfumed, and freshly douched vagina. That's not what I want. I guess that I'm venting, but a little help would be appreciated.
I also want to say that I realize everyone's crotch gets smelly. I pay attention to how I smell and don't expect girls to have their face down there when it's ripe. I also try very hard not to put them in that position.
For those of you who might have missed last week's column, in it I wrote that I never get letters from men complaining about the stank snatch. So, of course, what does this week's mailbag bring? Just that.
I want to be clear that I did not suggest any woman (or man, for that matter) neglect their nether region to the point where it morphs into a pungent, matted, dreadlocked mess, littered with dingleberries and dried toilet-paper ornaments.
Sex etiquette demands that the pubic arena be neatly groomed and reasonably free of very unpleasant aromas. I am anti-waxing, though I realize plenty of people enjoy the sensation of having scalding wax poured on their cooter, then watching as some nice woman rips all the hair out of their "hoo hoo" (who-who calls it that!?!). I will trim and wash, and expect my man to do the same. I've come across dudes who did the complete rod and tackle shave, and it kind of skeeved me. There's something freaky about a grown-up who chooses to eliminate one of their secondary sex characteristics.
However, that wasn't as bad as the hygienically challenged pigpen I dated, who seriously posed the question, "Why should I shower every day?"
My answer: Because you have a penis you expect me to put in my mouth. Der.
It doesn't sound like your expectations are out of hand; I'm just kind of shocked you're coming across this. But what do I know. The last time I went down on a girl was, well, never.
So here's my advice—keep a sense of humor about it. If you're diving for muff and come across something more reminiscent of rotting shellfish, extricate your lips from her business and mention you can tell she's had a rough day. If she starts to flip out (which is pretty much guaranteed), just laugh (not at her!) and start singing "Everybody stinks . . . sometimes" (to the tune of that awful REM song). Tell her you're feeling a little left of fresh, too, and suggest a shower for two.
Then again, you could try to be subtle and simply give her a big fat kiss, your mouth all wet with her skankerific juices. That'll give her the hint! But that would just mean unpleasantness for both of you. Hmm. Maybe you could try incorporating bubble baths into your pre-shtup routine. Or, if you're really stuck, you can always make like David Blaine and learn how to hold your breath.
Me, I'm off to scrub my vadge till it's bright and sparkly!
Come clean: Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.