Who the Hell Appointed You as our Grand "Teacher"?

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

How do you like the current season of HBO's Rome?

TV Toker

Dear Toker,

Hey, I want to tell you about these things they just invented. They're called "books." Believe it or not, you can even get these books for free at this place they call a "library." Sorry, but I'm personally unable to participate in any conversation topics based on the content of television shows. You see—fair warning, you may be even more shocked by what I'm about to say than by anything in one of those Ronald Trump reality shows—I don't even own a television set. I hope I can trust you not to turn me over to the authorities! Of course, I do have a dumb monitor tastefully concealed behind my vintage-style Restoration Hardware cabinet with oversize stainless steel fittings. But don't tell Dick Cheney that I use it strictly to watch movies on DVD...and a lot of them are even—gasp—foreign films!

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I love all the author readings in this city, but I'm mortified by the narcissism displayed by the audience in the Q&A portion of these events. Seattleites' "questions" aren't questions at all! They're the ramblings of the pathologically self-absorbed. "When I was backpacking through the Andes," people say; or, "In my own approach to metaphors...." Aargh! Is it too much to expect an educated grown-up to be able to muster a brief, relevant question that won't make the famous authors of the world think Seattle is a city of stoned pseudo-intellectuals?

Embarrassed by My Fellow Book Lovers

Dear Embarrassed,

My own approach to metaphors is best illustrated with a simile. Metaphors are like stories. Mini-stories, as it were. And if you stop to think about it, stories are not just things we read in books or see in movies, "out there" somewhere. We tell stories to ourselves all the time to make sense of our lives. Stories that sustain us, stories that give us meaning. And metaphors are a way to encapsulate theselife-sustaining narratives into bite-size portions, like tuna sashimi. So, how is your question related to me and my own subtle and unique understanding of metaphors?

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

The subject of today's complaint: Mac addicts. I grab a coffee at a shop that has fair-trade java, bringing my own cup to save a dime and a tree. But then I pull out my Dell laptop to jack into the free wireless, and suddenly you can see the cognoscenti looking down their MacBook Pros at me. Hello!?! Windows Vista is paying for all that Madison/Greenlake/Wallingford/Phinney/Belltown gentrification you all seem to be enjoying so much. The Mac and the black turtleneck don't make you an artist. You're still just surfing Craigslist for a cheap couch.

Computing on the Homegrown OS

Dear Computing,

Everyone should certainly feel comfortable with their own personal computing choices. There's no reason why those who choose to wrestle with a clunky Windows machine should be made to feel inferior to those who prefer the sleek and tasteful efficiency of a Macintosh. Maybe Windows people, through no fault of their own, are deaf to the sweet, humming, streamlined beauty that is a Macintosh; the futuristic inevitability of its pristinely glowing form, the intuitive responsiveness of its interface, the way everything "just works"—that might not be for everyone. Mac users, before they judge, should remind themselves that they are, after all, a pretty rarefied group. If you, unlike everyone else in the coffee shop, don't choose to "Think Different," well, good for you. Use that soulless, monopolistic OS with pride!

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Who the hell appointed you as our grand "teacher" in the first place? As though we are all too stupid to make it through life without your infinite left-wing wisdom. I know this is Seattle, the home of political correctness, but there are many of us who just flat out think you are full of crap! We don't see the world the way you do, and never will. In many of your replies, in which you offer your unsolicited "advice" to others (who may or may not share your worldview), you refer to situations as "teaching moments." So here's a little teaching moment for you. Learn to respect and tolerate points of view that differ from your own. Especially those oriented toward things like traditional values, free markets, and raising families.

A Conservative in Seattle (We do exist.)

Dear Conservative,

It's not often that we get the opportunity to dialogue with a red-state citizen living in our midst. Let's connect! I feel like we're really getting somewhere with this respectful back-and-forth. Let's keep the discussion going! Thanks!

Have a question for the Uptight Seattleite? Send it to uptight@seattleweekly.com.

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