I have a major crush on a worker with the Mexico Consulate aquí en Tucson. But I fear that, like two star-crossed lovers, we're destined for doom. I'm a gabacha yaktivist and against governments in general. He represents the PAN or PRD or PRI or whatever Mexican political party happens to have more influence at the moment. That's why I don't think he'd ever give me the time of day. How can I find my way into his inherently corrupt heart?
Dear Cutie Gabacha,
Don't worry about it if you're hot—a chica caliente could hang with the Minutemen, and Mexican men would still pile on her like a contractor at Home Depot. But you have a shot even if you're a few braces short of Ugly Betty. Guys and gals looking for some Mex sex: Get involved with Latino organizations working to legalize the aliens amongst us. There are precious few gabachos in the movimiento, and I'm sure many Mexican activists are more than willing to exchange ass play in the name of amnesty—even the fellas.
I recently discovered your column through the wonders of technology. I want to congratulate you and ask for a favor. PLEASE don't use the stereotype of the overweight dirty revolutionary to represent your column; it diminishes your work. If you don't agree with me, at least ask your readers what they think of the drawing.
El Profe de Yuma
Don't hurt my feelings—that's a drawing of my papi, give or take a couple of pounds, whiskers, and brown tones. Besides, I publish that portrait for a purpose. Yes, he's an ugly stereotype, but that happy wab is the Mexican that's been in the mind of gabachos for over 150 years. Images like him have assumed an extraordinary, undeserved power to offend. By publishing the bandito archetype again and again, this Mexican hopes to lessen its sting and turn it into what it really is—a portrait of my father, no more, no less.
But I'll take you up on the challenge, Profe. Awright, readers: What do ustedes think of this column's logo? Does it make you laugh? Cry? Am I a genius for printing it? Vendido? I'll publish the best responses in an upcoming column. And, more importantly: What should I name him?
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org. Those of you who do submit questions: They will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!