I'm Too Sexy for My Life!

Perhaps it's all the Anna/Britney news clogging up the TV, but it's come to my attention that celebrities don't have the same problems as you and I. Can you imagine your mom and boyfriend(s) fighting over your rapidly decomposing corpse? And when was the last time you shaved your head just because you were cranky? I was 19 and didn't even have any pets, let alone babies. But the thing that really brought home the differences between us and "them" was a cover line on the new issue of Allure magazine. On it, Michelle Pfeiffer complains, "Beautiful Women Tend to Get Used."

Sling your sobbing elsewhere, sister. Where I come from—Planet Earth—beautiful women get a helluva lot more perks than us Plain Janes. I've seen pretty girls cut in line and watched as nobody said a word. I've been practically knocked over by guys desperate to buy one of my cute friends a drink—never mind that I was the thirsty one.

But I didn't want to rely on my own anecdotal evidence, so I did a little (very little!) research. A quick Internet search revealed a 2002 study conducted out of the University of Pennsylvania that confirmed that men approached attractive women far more often than they approached their less-attractive sisters. Pick your jaw back up off the floor.

Just to make sure Allure hadn't put out their April Fools' issue a month early, I cracked open the mag and took a gander. I nearly gagged on my turkey sandwich when I got to the part of the story where the author of the piece contended that "beauty was, at times, the very element that thwarted both her career and her personal life." Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful! Wah!

Because this is a relationship column, I'm going to ignore the dubious nonsense about her career setbacks due to extreme hotitude and concentrate on the personal-life aspect. Who has ever been dumped for being too pretty? Or, by the same token, too damned handsome? Do you know anyone who has had this happen? I sure don't. The smokin' hotties I know generally don't have too difficult a time lining up a date for Saturday night.

In the interest of edifying Ms. Michelle Pfeiffer (who I've been advised is an avid Dategirl reader), I'm going to list some problems that we lesser mortals face when attempting to date.

•Physical Extremes: If you fall outside the realm of "normal"-size in this world, you're going to have a tougher time of it. Ditto any missing limbs, strange growths, or vestigial tails. True, being rejected for being too fat or too hairy isn't nearly as painful as being shunned for being too fanfreakingtastically gorgeous, but it still stings.

•Financial Deficiency: This one is slightly gender-specific, but it's a fact that your average broke-ass guy has a more difficult time scoring with the ladies. However, his chances go way up if he looks like Jason Lewis. If she's good-looking enough, a woman's net worth is never a concern for a guy. And fellas, before you write in screaming, I don't make the rules, I just report 'em.

•Beaten by the Dum-Dum Stick: It's no secret that your run-of-the-mill moron often finds him or herself date-free. Not so the intellectually challenged über-hottie. I'm not saying that genetic Lotto winners such as Ms. Pfeiffer are always lacking in the brains department; I'm just saying that it doesn't particularly matter if they are.

•Social Retardation: Some of the less socially savvy among us have a tendency to spout out stupid nonsense at inopportune times. Foot-in-mouth-disease normally has the effect of turning people off and sometimes even pissing them off. Having uttered—in all seriousness—the line "for the longest time I wouldn't even talk about how being beautiful got in my way, because I felt by admitting [it], it was like giving it power," makes me think MP knows a thing or two about social retardation. (Whether she realizes it or not.) Lucky for her, she's pretty so everyone forgives her. Don't try this at home, because if you're less than stunning, you're just going to get laughed at.

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