There may be no finer phrase in the English language than "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," but given how kids these days are super into that whole Internet thing, the latest adventures of the crime-fighting, sewer-dwelling, slang-dropping pop-culture phenomenon is called simply TMNT. Unlikely to achieve BFF status with the MMORPG set, this CGI feature is light on the LOL factor, heavy on the ADD action scenes, and, like, TOOIFM (Totally Out of Its Freakin' Mind). To wit: Three thousand years ago, a power-mad warrior opened a nasty magic portal that granted him immortality, turned his four brothers into stone, and unleashed 13 monsters upon his foes. Cut to the present, where the immortal warrior–turned–melancholy industrialist (voiced by Patrick Stewart) has rounded up his rocky brethren and enlisted Karai (Ziyi Zhang) and her ninja Foot Clan to capture the monsters, thereby reversing the curse. Meanwhile, the color-coordinated turtle dudes reunite to foil the plot with the help of Splinter (Mako), their Fu Manchu rat guru, and two dorky white kids (Sarah Michelle Gellar and Chris Evans). Oodles of madcap digi-fu ensues, along with some halfhearted life lessons for the heroes in a half shell. Writer-director Kevin Munroe parties like it's 1989, grooving on the Xtreme-sports set pieces and vintage slang to generally cowabusted effect.
Agent of '80s nostalgia returns!
Opens at Metro and other theaters, Fri., March 23. Rated PG. 89 minutes.