The Friend Fraud

Dear Dategirl,

I've been seeing this guy off and on for the past five months. Even though we have sex with each other, he refers to us as "just friends." I like him a lot and care for him, so it hurts when he calls me that.

About a month ago, he fixed me up with his best friend. His friend and I started seeing each other (with me knowing he was already in a relationship with someone else), but I cut things off with him after a few weeks. However, not before having sex with him several times.

Things with my friend are as complicated as ever. We've returned to "hanging out," but not without problems. While he still defines me as "his friend," he gets jealous at the thought of me being with his friend. He says he likes me, but I just can't seem to get it through his head that he's the one I want.

I realize now that going off with his friend was a mistake, and I take the blame. But I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't pushed me. What should I do now?

Confused in Tacoma

Imagine a world where the clouds are made of cotton candy and farts smell like raspberries...a place where you would trot off to work on a pretty pink pony each morning and come home to an Orlando Bloom look-alike cooking you dinner each night. And what a meal it would be—fondue, steak, chocolate cake, who cares! Because in Fantasyland, you can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound. Fantasyland also happens to be the only place where you'll ever be able to call this douche bag "boyfriend."

Despite what you claim, this is actually one of the most uncomplicated situations I've ever encountered. Here's what you do—get rid of him. Delete his number from your cell phone. Un-MySpace him, block him from your IM, and for chrissakes, stop banging the guy.

Your biggest mistake is thinking that this dude is your friend. He's not. He's a booty call, and not a very nice one at that. Let's break it down:

•He likes you enough to fuck—oh, sorry, "hang out with"—but not enough to date.

•He pimps you out to his friend—who already has a girlfriend.

•He then gets cranky because you figured, what the hell, and slept with his buddy.

And you're worried that he doesn't know that he's the one that you want? He's probably as confused as I am, wondering why you would want someone who continually disrespects you and treats you like crap.

It'd be one thing if this were a Mutually Agreed Upon Booty Call Situation. Within the parameters of the MAUBCS, the two parties involved meet up for naughtiness and then go home to their respective houses. There's no cuddling, no sleepovers, and certainly no declarations of anything more loaded than the occasional "damn, your vagina tastes good."

But as far as I can tell, there are no firm boundaries in your ridiculous situation. You seem to be pining, while he seems to be at best confused and at worst a giant, gaping asshat. I know it's scary to bring up potentially difficult topics, but you two need to talk because this "just friends" bullshit is for the birds.

Let me tell you about friends. Tonight, I'm going to meet my pal Kristy. We will have a couple of drinks, catch up, laugh, have dinner, and then we'll go home to our respective houses.

What I won't be doing is trying to slip her the tongue (or anything else, for that matter). Friends are nice to each other, but not that nice, if you know what I mean. Nor will I try and hook her up with any of my married friends. Friends want what's best for you and have your back in difficult situations. They'll also tell you when you're being a moron, which is what I'm doing. So quit using that word to describe him. Your guy fits the definition of friend about as well as I'd fit into a pair of Nicole Richie's party pants. Which is to say, not at all.

Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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