Snoopy Redux

Dear Dategirl,

I just read the column about the girl who happened upon her bf's e-mail [May 23]—I could've written it.

My girlfriend and I had a mutually agreed-upon, exclusive commitment, but for various reasons, I had suspicions about her honesty. One day, there it was—her open e-mail on my computer. Of course I looked.

It confirmed all my doubts, and then some. Luckily (or not) my laptop crashed after reading only a few of the choicest pieces of evidence, perhaps saving me from total emotional ruin.

Understandably, I got angry. Very, very angry. After she confirmed her lies, I kicked her out. She unconvincingly tried to play the "invasion of privacy" card, which as you know is always trumped by the "lying bitch" card. I considered various secondary attacks—e-mailing the others involved, etc.—but eventually decided to move on with my life.

After a couple of weeks—and much discussion—we got back together. We talked through that episode and many others, and came to an understanding and, I hoped, a new beginning.

You're probably wondering what I see in this woman. All I can say is I enjoy her company. I try to take it a day—even an hour—at a time, which is difficult, but a good lesson in staying in the moment. I know it is just for fun, and I will not let myself believe for a minute that it has any long-term potential.

But though I realize that on a rational level, my curiosity did get the best of me, and I recently figured out how to gain access to her e-mail whenever I want. I've learned that she's e-mailing her ex, and though she is not physically cheating on me, she is lying about her feelings for her ex (and his for her).

Of course, my first reaction was to cut and run. However, if I have learned anything from this woman (and I'm not proud of this), it is how to be a self-serving, deceitful, duplicitous asshole. So my plan now is to act like I know nothing, keep reading her e-mails, and soon—very soon—just end it. No explanation, no rants, and certainly no admission of invasion of her lies—I mean, privacy.

I am hopeful the dumping can come at the most inopportune moment for her—when she least expects it and has the most to lose. She may not learn, but I certainly have. I hope next time, when and if I find someone honest and worthy, I'll be better prepared to trust and believe.

Though I am certainly fond of exacting revenge in certain circumstances, your plan of action crosses the line into cuckoo-bird territory. Not only that, any amount of hurt you could possibly cause her is outweighed by the damage you're doing yourself. Get. Out. Now.

You have to ditch da bitch immediately because, right now, karmically speaking, you're safe. Yes, you invaded her privacy, but she's a cheater, so you get a pass. But by continuing to string her along, you're turning this into a Lifetime-movie-type situation. And we know what happens to men in Lifetime movies, don't we?!?

Besides, I've found that duplicitous shitheads often (sadly, not always) wind up miserable and alone with little outside intervention. Take, for instance:

• Long-term boyfriend who cheated on me and evicted me from our home: dead of brain cancer (not that he deserved that, I'm just saying).

• Bitchy ex-friend who busted a move on my Big Fat Crush: hooked up with him and was subsequently cheated on throughout their entire relationship—hell, he even hit on me one night!

• My psychotic, date-raping ex-boss: a friend of a friend banged his wife! In his bed! That one still makes me cackle.

The longer you prolong this, the more mistrustful of women you'll become—and paranoid is definitely not a quality we ladies find attractive. Not to mention that the combination of anger and skepticism will also give you wrinkles and gray hair, which in turn will make it even harder for you to find cute, honest girls to date. So if you can't find it in your heart to dump her because it's the right thing to do for you, do it for the single ladies of Seattle.

Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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