Where Do Those Sexy, Sweaty Construction Workers Come From?

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

We need to face an important fact: Construction workers are hot. Those shaved heads, mutton chops, bulging tan arms, wraparound shades, and orange T-shirts stretched unself-consciously over their little potbellies—hot! Their manly swagger practically blasts the tattered ball caps off the heads of the yuppies and hipsters jogging and biking past construction sites. With American manufacturing dead, construction workers are the last men of action in our midst. But what I want to know is, where do they come from? No one I know is a construction worker, or looks anything like them.Jack Hammer

Dear Jack,

Workers are sucked through trap doors on the streets of Kent, White Center, and Federal Way, then individually sealed in hyperbaric capsules and shot through a network of pneumatic tubes before popping up at condo construction sites all over Seattle at exactly 6:55 a.m. True, you might sometimes see them trotting out to wipe the chalk of meter maids from the tires of Chevys, but these vehicles are strictly for show. It might seem like an elaborate system, but there is no other way that Seattle's new condos could be completed if the people who build them had to either live here (hey, even we can hardly afford it!), or make their way here on our clogged roadways. Commute between Kent to Seattle everyday? I'm here to tell you, that's flat-out impossible. No, life as we know it would cease to function without the underground tubes, which also transport janitors, cooks, taxi drivers, security guards, and sanitation engineers. The only working people who live within city limits are waiters and waitresses, who sleep six-to-a-room in Capitol Hill apartments and pool their money to buy all that black hair dye. That's my understanding anyway. Steve Scher did a segment on it once.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

As a 22-year-old bisexual foreign girl I have to agree that American girls are in general very hot. But the other day a not-so-graceful girl came to me clearly trying to make more than friends, and I didn't feel flattered at all. Actually I felt quite the opposite of it. Am I becoming the kind of person which girls used to name "jerk"? Should I feel bad about the negative feeling for this girl?A Senorita Abroad

Dear Senorita,

Foreign? And bisexual, too—extra credit! Are you also in a wheelchair? Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have asked that. I'm really not one of those Ugly Americans who don't even try to pronounce foreign words correctly. When a barista asks me, "What kind of cra-SANT do you want?" I reply with a careful lingering over the correct pronunciation. "Hmm," I say, "I could have the plain cwa-SOHW, but, on the other hand, the almond cwa-SOHW also looks rather delicious." Commit random acts of education, that's my motto. Oh, and this is just a general FYI, a Japanese bed isn't a FOO-tahn, it's a foo-tone. Exercise restraint in the aspiration of the "f," and place no stress on either syllable. Let's all say it together 10 times: foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone, foo-tone. It's actually kind of soothing.

Anyway, can you tell me a little bit more about you and the American girls that you find "hot"? As an advice columnist, I think it would be useful to know how you meet these girls and what exactly you do with them. How does it work? Of course, I know how it works. I'm a man of the world and totally at ease here, but I just mean, in your particular case, what's it like with the wheelchair and everything? Please get back to me with these details and I will do my best to help you.

Hi Uptight,

I really enjoy your column, but what about the questions? Are they made-up or from real people? I suspect the former.Bob

Dear Bob,

Let me ask you this, Bob: Are you a real person? What if the world started going backward, would you still be you? Yes, because you're a palindrome. Think about it. But that reminds me: Would all you real people please ask me about something besides the driving habits of your fellow Seattleites? I don't want to invalidate the frustration you feel when someone fails to use their turn signal, but there's so much else going on in this big interesting world. Open your eyes and tell me what you see. Thanks!

Have a question for the Uptight Seattleite? Send it to uptight@seattleweekly.com.

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