Environmentalism Is Everywhere, Even in Your Dog’s Stool

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

My girlfriend's great, but there's one problem: her cell phone ring. It's that C+C Music Factory song. Grounds for separation?Everybody Don't Dance Now

Dear Everybody Don't,

BUMP. BUMP. Da-da-BUMP. BUMP. Da-da....Then the background rhythm thing comes in, shikashikashikashikashikashikashikashika, with the cowbell going, and you're a stronger man than I if you can keep still at that point. You ever have one of those days when you have a hard time getting going? Maybe you're thinking of friends who have passed on, or things that have never happened for you like you once thought they would. And then that song comes on, maybe in a commercial or something? I can still picture the African-American bodybuilder who sang it. Anyway, when you hear that song or even just think of it, don't you feel a little better right away? I know I do. Sorry, what was your question again?

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Reusing plastic bags is better than just throwing them away, though it seems environmentally insensitive to use plastic at all. How else can we dispose of dog poop?Bag Dread Jim

Dear Jim,

The most perfectly appointed doggy bundle I ever saw was wrapped, still warm, in a little origami envelope folded out of the "Week in Review" section of The New York Times and dropped, witty half-page illustration faceup, on a compost pile in a Queen Anne backyard. (It's soy ink, so all you aspiring master composters out there can skip those letters.)

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I dread the skiing and snowboarding season. For months on end, my co-workers will arrive on Monday mornings aglow with smug joy at how great the "powder" was up at Crystal. Oh, and it's all totally sunny up there, too, they'll tell us losers who spent the weekend down here below the clouds. I don't exult over the novel I read or the great movie I saw while they were "shredding" or whatever, so why do I have to listen to them?Sans Skis Sam

Dear Sam,

Speaking as a black man, I resent your assumption that I don't ski, and that I will therefore be able to relate to your frustration. Aren't I as likely to ski as anyone else? I can hear you objecting that I am not, in fact, a black man. I didn't say I was. What I said was that, speaking as a black man, I resented your assumption. There's a difference. See, Sam, words have power. The power to hurt, yes, and sadly that seems to be your focus. But also the power to heal. To bring us together. And to that, speaking as a human being with a rainbow soul, I say, "Right on."

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

How can I get my daughter to practice piano?Untickled Ivory

Dear Ivory,

Sure do love that Norah Jones. Diana Krall, too, and a number of other talented piano ladies who are bringing back old-fashioned class and musicianship. When I saw Norah at KeyArena, the crowd was almost entirely made up of white males my age. We were all avoiding eye contact with each other for some reason. Anyway, you should tell your daughter that practice, practice, practice is the only way to attract an audience like that.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

My friend, who is from a tropical island country, sometimes asks her dead brother to help her win the lottery. "I bring you flowers," she says. "Give me the numbers." Comments?A Lotto Madness

Dear Lotto,

I really hate to judge someone else's spirituality, but that's pretty materialistic, don't you think? And all too typical, especially of these so-called Christians in their SUVs. Whatever happened to the camel and the eye of the needle? But wait, where did you say your friend is from? Is it a place where the people are of color and the culture is "vibrant"? In that case, there's really no comment we can offer. Much as silence equals consent, vibrancy equals clemency.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

How can I get my tools back from my neighbor, who borrowed them more than a year ago?Hammerless Man

Dear Hammerless,

Paint the words "Give me my tools back, please" on a big rock and throw it through his front window. Sorry if that was a little too direct, a little on the fish-giving side of the "give a fish/teach to fish" spectrum, but it looks like I'm out of space.

Have a question for the Uptight Seattleite? Send it to uptight@seattleweekly.com.

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