He’s Not That Into You

Dear Dategirl,

I've been working in a marketing firm in Seattle for about a month. My job entails going to various events around Seattle—say Bumbershoot—to promote different products.

My first weekend working there, I met a co-worker who seemed really nice, but I didn't think much of it until I ran into him again, at a training session a few weeks later.

We were seated facing each other on opposite ends of the room, but of everyone there, I noticed him. Maybe because he seems more serious and mature than the other men in my company. I could be imagining things, but I felt he was glancing at me, too. We had to interact as a group later and he didn't make eye contact, and it seemed as though he was talking to everyone else except for me. I tend to think that is just because I am not worth having a guy be attracted to me.

I have never had a relationship and I am shy around guys, mainly because of my self-esteem. I should mention that not only is he my co-worker, but he is a little higher up than me in the company.

Last Thursday, we had our first event together. I was nervous around him, and he ignored me again. Luckily, it wasn't hard for me to focus on my work, but that didn't stop me from thinking about him.

I'm so used to thinking that I'm too fat and ugly for guys to like me that I don't notice when a guy actually does. Besides, regardless of how he feels, he's a co-worker, and I don't want to create any drama. How can I go about pursuing him or getting him to pursue me? What should I look for to know whether he likes me or not? My gut feeling in observing him during the little time I have been around him is that he is interested in me based on his behaviors, but what do I know?Wondering

Listen here, my young friend. Before you go getting involved with anyone, you need to start feeling better about yourself. I don't care what it entails—finding a shrink, buying a new T-shirt, or beginning some sort of workout program—you need to change something within yourself. Note that I don't suggest you start exercising because you're fat. I have no idea what you look like, but if you're feeling porky (no matter how you actually look), a little physical activity will make you feel better.

I worry about my weight/looks, too. It's the great girlie curse and we both need to get over it, because in the grand scheme of things, neither of us is that fat or that ugly. I mean, turn on the Discovery Channel sometime; there are people so obese they need to be forklifted out of bed—and nine times out of 10, they're married! So quit it, already.

Not to mention that there is no single more boring thing to listen to than some ninny drone on about the size of her ass. Please understand that I say that with love, or something close to it.

Also, when you feel like shit, you tend to attract people who treat you like shit. Which is probably why you're attracted to a guy who seems to do nothing but ignore you. Barring extreme social retardation on his part, when a man likes you, he talks to you. He doesn't refuse to make eye contact and converse with everyone in the room except you.

I realize you're both pretty young (at least that's the feeling I'm getting from your note), and maybe he's just shy, but I worry you're setting yourself up for failure, which will only make you loathe yourself more. That's why I advise that instead of putting your energy into getting him to like you, you should concentrate on trying to like yourself. Once you've convinced yourself that you're worthy of love, you'll have much better luck finding it.

I wish someone had told me that when I was your age. And I wish I'd listened.

Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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