Macklemore's Not-So-Famous Chicken Pasta With Butter

What you get when eating with the band.

This recipe is one that was handed down by nobody, for if they did make it, they wouldn't have lived long enough to hand it down. This is a first-generation dish.

Ingredients:2 frozen chicken breasts (I buy frozen breasts in bulk because the store is going to bop you on thawed organic, healthy chicken. It's better to get frozen breasts filled with genetically modified meat because you're probably going to die shortly after eating this anyway due to a heart attack, so it really doesn't matter.)

Penne noodles (Again, the cheaper the better. This is not Top Chef.)

1/2 of 1/2 stick of butter (I guess that'd be 1/4 stick, but I cheated in math from sixth grade on, so I'm not gonna make assumptions.)

A little vegetable oil

Lawry's seasoning



Garlic powder


1. Put your chicken in a plastic bag and defrost with warm water. Make sure the water isn't too hot, or the chicken will start cooking and that gets weird. After the chicken is defrosted, place the breasts on a plate. Season your chicken with the Lawry's, salt, pepper, and garlic powder on both sides to your liking. I tend to use a good amount of seasoning to give it that extra "I'm gonna die anyway" flavor.

2. Grab a pot, put some water in that pot, and bring that bad boy to a boil.

3. Now, take a skillet, put a very thin layer of vegetable oil in it, and sprinkle in some salt. Turn your burner on to medium and let it warm up for a minute.

4. Put your penne noodles in the pot of hot water around the same time that you put your chicken in the skillet. Both should be on medium flame. Now, turn on your favorite TV show. Note that if you watch Drew Carey's The Price Is Right, your food will be cursed by Bob Barker and all the pets he neutered over the past 40 years. (Another note: Don't bring up neutered dogs while cooking because it throws off one's appetite.)

5. Flip the chicken and stir the pasta every couple of minutes.

6. I like to cut my chicken in half at about six minutes into it to observe the pink/white ratio and ensure that I don't die before I get to eat it. Test the noodles at about six to seven minutes as well to see how they're doing.

7. Drain the pasta and dump it into a bowl. Cut up your chicken into small bite-sized pieces and throw it on top of the noodles. Now, here comes the sauce...butter. Cut your quarter-stick of butter in half and put it into the mix. Stir it all up while singing your favorite David Bowie song from the Labyrinth soundtrack. Put some more salt and pepper on your amazing creation and—bam!—you have "Macklemore's Not-So-Famous Chicken Pasta With Butter." Enjoy!

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