Microsoft Geek Secrets Finally Revealed

Click here for the best of 30,000 pages of never-before-seen insight into the Redmond lifestyle.

The most painful news for Microsoft employees and investors last week was the $1.35 billion fine levied by the European Commission for antitrust violations. But perhaps more significant was the prior week's forced release of 30,000 pages of Windows code and support documentation. The move to be more "open"—never a word hitherto associated with the software titan—was essentially compelled by the same E.U. lawyers who later slapped the company with that big fine. Shortly thereafter, Microsoft promised it would "openly publish on MSDN over 30,000 pages of documentation for Windows client and server protocols that were previously available only under a trade secret license through the Microsoft Work Group Server Protocol Program (WSPP) and the Microsoft Communication Protocol Program (MCPP)." Is that perfectly clear to everyone? Fortunately for those not fluent in WSPP and MCPP, Seattle Weekly has scrutinized every single one of those 30,000 pages, and here are some key excerpts: Page 234: "No, it's your turn to order pizza. Dude, I paid last time." Page 862: "Just slap some old Windows 2000 code in there. No one will notice." Page 7,744: "How long do you think my cats can survive without food and water? And what day of the week is it today, anyway?" Page 9,231: "Did you check out that fox in cubicle BT-312? She is so hot, like totally Dark Angel hot. I think she likes me. Or at least she parks next to me. That's gotta mean something, right?" Page 12,621: "Sometimes, when I'm sleeping on my yoga mat beneath my desk, I have dreams about Bill Gates. Dirty dreams. Is that wrong?" Page 15,414: "Have you seen those stupid PC-versus-Mac commercials on TV? I mean, who wants to be Justin Long? John Hodgman has way more cred." Page 18,005: "Shit! I think Sanjay in YA-202 had a stroke or something! I just checked his coding, and he's only using one-half the keyboard. Do you think anyone will be able to tell?" Page 18,006: "Whatevs, bro, I'm sticking with XP!" Page 23,855: "Let's just put in another random error message, just to mess with their heads." Page 26,442: "Uh-oh, I think I just WSPP'd where I was supposed to MCPP." Page: 29,902: "If someone is reading this, please, please send help to Red West, north wing, third floor, cubicle No. JS-613. Please! Can barely type. Fingers so weak. No food in days. Out of energy water. We've already gone through the free soda, and someone smashed open the vending machine with an Aeron chair. Our key cards have been disabled so we can't leave the building. So tired, so very tired. Management says we must reach next release deadline for Vista patch. Not just our bonuses, but our very survival depends on it. Must. Keep. Coding. Someone please tell my parents I love them if I don't make it out alive. And could someone TiVo this week's episode of Lost, in case I do?"

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