Mariners Should Play “The Right Way”

And look to the NBA for change.

The likely prospect of another summer of not-so-lovable losing has Mariner fans wishing for a skipper who will, in the words of Arrested Development's G.O.B. Bluth, "turn this skiff around!" It would be even better if that skipper came with new bosses, as the current ones have spent $118 million on a middling and moribund roster. But in professional sports, when you make expensive mistakes, you get to pursue expensive solutions. Thus our Mariners need to get themselves in the expensive-solutions business, tout de suite. This means—as Buzzer Beater has been advocating—a new manager. And I have just the man: Larry Brown. Yes, he's a basketball coach. And yes, he just got hired by the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats. But once under contract, Larry's eyes wander more than R. Kelly's at a Miley Cyrus show. Larry just can't stand commitment. For example, while coaching the Detroit Pistons in the 2005 Eastern Conference finals, Brown counseled division rival Cleveland on personnel decisions (he planned to get himself fired and join the Cavs the following season). Why, then, should the Mariners hire him? Five reasons: 1. His teams play "the right way." No one's really sure what this means, but I guarantee you that Mike Blowers will like it and repeat it. Color commentators chant these nebulous earth-salt mantras to please the ghost of Cliff Clavin, which lingers in ballpark broadcast booths like a stale fart. 2. Brown loves veterans and always feels like he's one or two away from winning a title. And even though they just brought up a couple of rookies, the Mariners love veterans and always feel like they're one or two away from winning a title. (Welcome back, Ken Griffey Jr.! Your hamstring is in the clubhouse.) Brown will have no problem giving Jeff Clement's at-bats to Jose Vidro's corpse, then pretending to forget Clement's name while mistaking Wladimir Balentien for the bat boy. 3. His teams get to the playoffs. 4. He will turn this skiff around. 5. If he fails to turn this skiff around, he will fail with great flair. Expensive solutions can reward fans with a winning team, or, in the alternative, with the telenovela-caliber drama that makes a losing season bearable. When Brown becomes dissatisfied, he ruins young players' confidence, undermines his bosses in the press, and flagrantly searches for a new job while tanking the current one. Worst-case scenario, M's fans: No more insipid mediocrity. A ball of flames is better than simply shitty baseball.

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