This Week’s Horoscope

Cancer (June 21–July 22) Hey, Debbie Downer! You've been so negative lately that you're likely to be surprised when something actually works out, contrary to your pessimistic expectations. Take it in stride. This is how it's supposed to work, right? You anticipate the worst, then are pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen that way. Don't let your cynical shock get the best of you and ruin a good moment. The people who helped make it happen are likely to be offended if they discover you thought it never would. Make them feel good, make yourself feel good—all by being gracious and genuinely happy, not distraught, when blessings are heaped upon you. Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Ultimately many things in life are "useless" wastes of time. The accomplishments in that video game you like playing will never mean much in real life. That sweater you're knitting will probably never be worn. That project you're obsessing over likely won't make it off the ground. That's all OK. Not every minute of your life needs to be devoted to a sure thing that's bound to be constructive and ultimately enrich and enliven your existence. It's perfectly alright to spend time on something that'll never amount to anything, just because you enjoy it. Do that this week. Don't worry about making every minute "count"—as long as every minute is as fun as you can make it. Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Ultimately there is no easy answer, so quit searching for one. This is one of those complex situations where every possible outcome is a compromise, and no one will be completely happy, ever. Wishing it were otherwise is completely useless and ultimately a waste of time, time that would be better utilized trying to figure out which compromise solution will put out the fewest people. Stop trying to please everybody, because that will only make you nuts, and put you back at square one in a week, a month, or a year (depending on how long you beat your head against it). Instead, just use reason, logic, and your well-honed sense of fairness to come up with the best scenario for the most people, and run with that. Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) When given the option between buying the reasonably priced but slightly crappy version you can afford now, or going without until you can get the more expensive, higher-quality version, you'll almost always wait. To you this is simply common sense, but some other signs simply don't have the foresight or patience to hold out for the better option. Help them. You have some influence over a reasonably important decision being made by someone you know. Exercise it. Talk sense into them. If you do your job right, they won't even wait until later to thank you. They'll thank you now. Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) Children and animals don't always know what's best for themselves. That's why they require caregivers of various sorts to help them sort out how to keep themselves safe and healthy, something they'd likely fail miserably at on their own. Unfortunately, some adults require the same care in certain situations. No one properly trained them to figure out what's best, and to keep themselves out of trouble. This should not be your job, to be fair, but unfortunately we sometimes have to take care of shit that really ought to be someone else's problem. Step in and take charge this week. It's that, or watch someone suffer because you didn't. Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) You've been waiting so long for this specific moment that you'll probably be caught completely off-guard when it finally arrives. You might miss it! Hopefully, you'll be able to react quickly enough and pull together all those dusty plans and half-forgotten thoughts to make the most of this time now that it's here. If not, you'll be stuck waiting again—possibly for an even longer time. I may be wrong about this, but just in case, why don't you brush up on what you planned to do should this opportunity arise? It couldn't hurt. Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Some people perform some of the most impactful actions of their entire lives on their deathbeds. Knowing their lives are ending inspires them with the courage or insight to do stuff that will have ripples long after they're gone. I'm sure most of them regret not acting sooner. It takes some serious courage to muster the gumption to speak your mind and make things happen the way you know they ought to. Don't wait until you're close to death to find that courage. See if you can manifest even a fraction of it this week. Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Let's imagine for a moment that your body chemistry made you smelly. Not just your pits, but your whole body. Your current problem is something like this, and sadly, your current solution is about as viable as smearing deodorant over your entire body. What you need to do about your stinky self is to go deeper and address the roots of the problem, examining how diet and other factors might be contributing to it. You can't cover this quandary in anti-perspirant and make it go away. Dig deeper and figure out what's causing it, and deal with that. The stink is just a symptom. Get rid of the problem and you won't need "deodorant" at all. Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Dogs pant to release heat from their bodies, since they have almost no ability to sweat. What you're up to now is the equivalent of panting, but it's awfully dumb—since you can sweat. Why settle for a horribly inefficient method of addressing your problem when you have a far superior and effective one available to you? Don't limit yourself out of principle. Whether it's fair or not is irrelevant. You have options available to you that will provide neat, elegant solutions to your difficulties. Stop fretting because not everyone has the same choices you do. Exercise yours, and then you can see about helping those who are not as lucky. Aries (March 21–April 19) You're quite the little soldier, aren't you? Quite the tough one, too. These days nothing touches you unless you let it, or unless it's smart or lucky enough to penetrate one of the minuscule, almost imperceptible chinks in your armor. That's all well and good; it's great to be rugged and self-reliant. What I'm worried about is this: You may have forgotten how to take that armor off. When was the last time you stripped down and let yourself be completely naked and vulnerable? Too long ago, I'm afraid. This week, do your best to take all that armor off—just to reassure yourself (and me) that you can. Taurus (April 20–May 20) Most of the year my old dog will find the cushiest spot available to him to lie down upon. He likes a bit of padding beneath those stiff joints. Come the summer months, though, and he'll find any bit of hard, cool floor far preferable to his doggie bed or the couch. My point is: Even for a dog, priorities change due to the situation. Yours should, too. Sticking to the same set of goals and preferences out of habit is just silly and stupid. You're smarter and more flexible than that, aren't you? Well, aren't you? Don't just say it. Demonstrate it. Gemini (May 21–June 20) The Sun doesn't change signs exactly on midnight on the dates listed next to the signs in this column. Rather, it varies by a number of hours every year. You could be born on June 20, and actually be a Cancer, for instance. Most of that day is still in Gemini, most years, but there's a small chance some would-be Geminis are actually Cancers, and vice-versa. Also, because most of the personal planets never stray too far from the Sun, it means anyone born on the cusp like this is likely to have several planets in the sign next door, and thus many qualities of that sign. This is a lot like your current mixup. There is a line between the two sides, but it's not where you think it is. Double-check the boundary so you can figure out which side you're actually on. It may not be the side you thought.

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