This Week's Horoscopes

Cancer (June 21–July 22) Congratulations on your new baby! Only, where is he? OK, here's the deal: Giving birth isn't the only way to lose 20 pounds overnight. While ditching that extra weight might be more amazing if you had a baby to show for it, I'm not sure. You're suddenly free of an incredible burden that was really beginning to take its toll. A baby, precious though it might be, would be a whole different kind of burden. Before you mourn its absence, consider: might you not be better off as you are, at least for the moment? Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Some woman is suing a lingerie company because of a thong accident. She claims a metal clip flew off her underwear and hit her in the eye. While this might be legit, my Spidey sense says she's just fishing for a big payout from a rich corporation. Who knows? She might even get it. But she'll have to live with being known as the chick who can't put on her undies without getting hurt, and who's petty enough to make a lawsuit out of it. Your own door to Easy Street might open a crack this week. Consider the price(s) you might have to pay to take a stroll down that road, and make sure they're worth it to you, before you do. Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) No one quite understands responsibility like you do. Because you've always taken yours seriously, you can easily assess what a new duty will cost you in terms of time and energy. Thus you should already know that you just can't take on this new burden without ditching a host of others. You simply don't have enough room and time in your life. This isn't a tank of low-maintenance sea monkeys; it might as well be a brand-new baby. In order to give it the care it deserves, you'll have to completely upend your routine. Are you prepared to do that? If not, make sure you're crystal-clear with those who'd unload this responsibility upon you, and tell them "Thanks, but no thanks." Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) You know those friends, the good ones? If you showed up on their doorstep and needed a place to crash, there'd be no question whether or not they'd let you, and you wouldn't be embarrassed to ask, either. Count yourself lucky if you have more than one or two of these gems. Honor them this week. The thing with friends like these is that so much can go unspoken that you can end up taking each other for granted without meaning to. Let them know how much they mean to you. It goes without saying, and they know. But it's still nice to hear. Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) Some people navigate the world wearing blinders. Since they only see a narrow sliver of reality, they make terrible decisions. While I hope you're not one of these poor fools, you surely wear a few filters—some of which may compromise your ability to make wise choices. Some of these filters are likely to be forcibly stripped away this week. That might be a bit shocking (how shocking depends on how many you were wearing in the first place), but it's the only way you'll be able to arrive at the "right" decision. Cope as best you can with this new, less-censored version of reality on your own—but don't be afraid to ask for help. You may need it. Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) In India and elsewhere, you use your left hand to wipe your ass, and nothing else. In fact, it's considered insulting (and, presumably, disgusting) if you employ it to eat or interact with other people. There are certain tools for certain jobs that you really can't use elsewhere, at least not without offending people's sensibilities. Language can work that way, too. Certain words and ways of interacting are only appropriate in certain contexts. Since you're likely to get those mixed up, make sure you have someone on hand who'll give you a warning sign when you venture into dangerous territory. Keep your left hand and your more colorful vocabulary to yourself this week; you won't need them for the task(s) in front of you. Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Imagine you're a clam, using your entire being to keep the two halves of your shell sealed tight, making you more or less impervious to the world. But what's happening? Against your will, your muscles begin to relax. The shell opens. You're being steamed, my dear, and it's no bad thing. This is what you've needed for a long time—someone who has the tools to gently force you to open up and make yourself vulnerable. Let them, even though it's probably frightening. You've done as much as you can cooped up in your safe little world. It's time to see and do more. Don't be scared. It's going to be (mostly) great. Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Inevitably, human life in the modern world generally has a negative impact on the planet. There are ways to offset this, of course. Let this be your focus this week. Plant a tree for every year you've been alive, and if you have any kids, one for every year of their lives so far. There are also other less concrete (but no less effective) ways to subtly counterbalance your impact on the planet. You've already put off this kind of thing for too long. Since this is a great week to stop thinking about it and just start doing it, I can't see why you'd wait. Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Don't let scare tactics get to you. These dogs are all bark. They could bite you, and hard—which is why the scare tactics might work. Recognize that it's probably not worth their while, though. You needn't be foolishly brave; I suppose if you give them reason enough, they might make an example of you. However, there's no real reason to let them totally derail you. Slow down and keep an eye on their sharp, sharp teeth. But continue on your way. They'll do their best to terrify you, but once you've moved on anyway, they'll find other things to do, and almost certainly forget all about you. Aries (March 21–April 19) Your frantic search for suitable and effective distractions has finally come to naught. You've run out. You can procrastinate no longer, because there are simply no excuses left. Now it's time to put up or shut up. Either you finally deliver on your promises, or you 'fess up that you're never going to, and bear the consequences of that. What's it going to be, Aries? Were you as full of hot air as some people suspect (and if so, are you brave enough to admit it out loud)? Or will you come through and make good on your word? Taurus (April 20–May 20) Imagine if making love to someone tapped you directly into their nervous system, so you'd literally feel what they felt. Rape would certainly become a thing of the past. We'd also have trouble lying to our partners or hiding infidelity. Would it be the end of intimacy altogether? Or would we explore a new kind of intimacy, where we acknowledged all of our own desires, instead of hiding, denying, or lying about them? I personally think it's better to love the whole, imperfect person, rather than only to cherish some edited version of them. This week you have a chance to move to a new level of trust with someone. It's not likely to all be good, but I think it's worth going there, anyway. The question is, do you? Gemini (May 21–June 20) I've seen some Geminis undergo dramatic transformations in the space of moments. Some may find it alarming that one minute you might be mild-mannered Bruce Banner and the next you're something akin to the Incredible Hulk; others will think it exciting. Whatever other people's reactions, your goal should remain consistent: learning to keep your metamorphoses under control. They are potentially a tremendous source of power, if you figure out how to properly harness them. Until then they will always be a great weakness. Since this week's a great time to transform your Achilles heel to a secret font of strength, please focus on making that happen.

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