Human Giant’s Bumbershoot Tips

No help. But kinda funny.

If Lucinda Williams challenges you to see who can eat the most funnel cake in the shortest amount of time, DON'T DO IT! She is tricking you. She's just trying to fatten you up because she wants to eat you. I can't tell you how many friends I've lost to that cannibal. Don't want to wait on lines, or want to get to the front of the stage quickly? Carry sunscreen. Whenever you are stuck somewhere, you can squeeze large amounts on your face, arms, and legs. Then loudly announce "Oh, my gosh! My blisters just popped! Look at all this pus!" People will clear a path for you no matter where you are. If you want to score with hot chicks, carry a guitar case on your back and ask every girl you meet, "Where's the Starbucks Stage?" When they ask you "Why?", say "Because I'm Jakob Dylan and I have to do my show there." 90% of the girls who hear that will bed you immediately. (If you are a girl and want to score with dudes, just say you're Estelle.) If you see any members of the Gin Blossoms around the Starbucks Stage, do not ask them what time they are playing, as they are there in a "barista" capacity, not as performers. Do not ask Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots if he still keeps in touch with the dudes from Seven Mary Three. It is a sore subject. Apparently, he penned the lyrics to "Cumbersome" and is owed over $15 million in royalties. If you're a sushi fan, you're in luck. Outdoor music festivals are always the best places to get sushi. You definitely won't regret getting sushi at an outdoor music festival. Don't shoot video clips of bands on your phone to post on YouTube. They are always shaky and sound like crap. No one cares that you saw Beck from 300 yards away. It won't make you cool and you might piss Beck off. Leave the devil sticks, hula hoops, and glow balls at home. It's too crowded for dumb displays of your "individualism." And why give people a reason to make fun of you as they walk by? You know they do that, right? Because we do. All of us. Don't go up in the Space Needle after more than two beers. It will blow your mind. Seriously. Your brain might explode out of your skull and you might see more than you want . . . Last year I spotted my girlfriend down on the ground below making out with the Black Lips. All of them. Not cool.

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