Eyman's Edicts

Obey. Or else.

Tim Eyman's allegedly traffic-reducing Initiative 985 is guaranteed to pass this November 4. How do we know? Eyman is already issuing directives to the state's Department of Transportation.In an e-mail addressed to Gov. Chris Gregoire that he also sent to press last month, Eyman demanded: "There's simply no excuse for you and the Washington State Department of Transportation to fail to prepare for I-985's new policies and priorities. You better prepare for that. Signs need to be changed and shoulders prepared for this immediate, cost-effective reform."He's talking about the carpool lanes that I-985 would open to all modes of traffic during the non–rush hour portions of the day (remind me again when those are). Because, obviously, if you want to reduce congestion, people should be encouraged to put more single-occupancy vehicles on the road.But Eyman's imperial fiats don't end there—among his other edicts to the state are the following:• Red-light camera revenue will fund new Mukilteo castle headquarters for ReduceCongestion.org.• State Auditor Brian Sonntag shall henceforth be required to wear a pointy jester's cap, sing amusing songs, and dance foolish jigs to keep castle occupants amused.• Newly synchronized traffic lights will allow imperial Eyman chariot (actually Hummer H2) to proceed unimpeded through streets lined with grateful, cheering taxpayers.• New corps of emergency roadside assistance crews shall be uniformed in the finest linens and furs, with gilt epaulets, to serve stranded motorists and shoo away filthy peasants who dare approach private vehicles.• All state transportation bureaucrats shall be redeployed and harnessed to pull human-powered omnibuses within the Prison City of Seattle, where lepers, sexual deviants, and other non-car owners shall be forcibly confined.• Tolls for the SR 520 rebuild may not be collected on the I-90 bridge, but may be assessed on bus riders, cyclists, scooters, slow-moving senior citizens, ferry riders, and annoying daycare groups clogging the sidewalks.• Pedestrian crosswalk signals will be limited to 10 seconds, but walkers may add dollar-per-second increments at convenient payment kiosks (revenues go to freeway expansion projects).• Because our personal liberties shall not be infringed, only one motorist will be allowed per vehicle. Related: Only one person will be allowed in an elevator at a time. Only single-family zoning will be permitted, with a minimum of two street-facing garage bays per household.• Only licensed drivers will be permitted to hold citizenship and vote.• Citizens may park on sidewalks and neighboring non-citizens' lawns as desired, because it's a free country.

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