People of Nickelsville, Would You Consider South Lake Union?

Tip: They rarely check tickets on the SLUT.

Since first setting up shanty in West Seattle on Sept. 22, the residents of Nickelsville have been bounced all over town. Nevertheless, the best location remains untapped and seemingly unconsidered. A little unsolicited advice to the Nickelodeons: Go to South Lake Union. The whole purpose of using the name Nickelsville is to call out the mayor for his failure to prioritize basic services and shelter. What better place to do this than his favorite neighborhood, the little magic-land with the King Friday XIII trolley? Why should you continue to strand yourselves in the far corners of the city when South Lake Union Park is such a prime piece of real estate, with several empty lots in the area that would work? Reasons to decamp to South Lake Union are almost too numerous to list. Here are the top 10: 10. Exposure: Twice a day you'll have a captive audience of Mercer Mess–mired commuters. 9. Ride the SLUT: The honor-system streetcar essentially doubles the size of the ride-free zone. Plus, it drops you off three blocks from the Red Lion Hotel and its nightly free taco bar. 8. Get comped: The city's looking to spend about $190 million widening Mercer Street. Some of that money will go toward compensating owners of condemned property. Plant your flag, get condemned, and demand compensation. No more getting kicked out for free. 7. Growth management: The mayor's made clear he wants to direct population growth into a few urban centers, one of which is South Lake Union. You're just doing your part. 6. It's "a city within a city, where LIVELY workplaces, shops, restaurants, schools, parks, entertainment, and recreation are located in a dynamic, emerging neighborhood."—Vulcan Real Estate 5. Corporate neighbors: An abundance of camping supplies are available at nearby REI, and overstock books in Amazon recycling bins will provide excellent kindling for barrel fires. 4. Air traffic safety: A mass of pink tents at water's edge will provide a helpful landmark to seaplanes landing in inclement weather. 3. Johnny Law in a bind: Vulcan regularly holds outdoor tent parties in the neighborhood; if cops crack down on you, claim selective enforcement. 2. Paul Allen: Nickelsville could use a high-powered friend. Ply or threaten him with a potential name change to Allentown. 1. Photo-op: Pink tents and purple-and-red SLUTs will make a perfect valentine for the mayor.

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