Dazed and Bemused

Dear Dategirl, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of about a year. When he moved away for college, he promised me we would make it work. I went to visit and we spent a wonderful week together. It was his birthday, and I bought him some very expensive presents. Three days after I returned home he decided he needed "a break." Mind you, this was done through text message! I called him, but he didn't want to talk over the phone. His only complaint was that I was too nice and supportive, and that he felt the next step in our relationship would be marriage and he wasn't ready for that. Like I wanted to marry him! I told him it's completely over and I never wanted to see him again. But now it seems he wants me to mope over him. I realized after I left him that I was a complete fool for dating him—he told me I would make a better wife if I lost weight and that he never treated me like I deserved because he wasn't required to do so! And that's not even scratching the surface. My question is, why do we only realize these things after we are away from the losers? What makes girls so damn retarded when it comes to dating? My friends told me he was an ass, but I never heard it. Why is it so much easier for me to give dating advice than to take it?—Angry

I get paid to give romantic advice, yet for the most part my own love life has played out like an uncomfortable sitcom. I'm not talking Sex and the City either—more like Curb Your Enthusiasm, only with more nudity, yelling, and tears (and far fewer laughs). And when there were jokes, they were inevitably at my expense. Like the guy who confessed to me that he wanted to bang his mother—way to make a lady feel special. It's always easier to boss people around than force yourself to make difficult changes. You can tell a fat friend she should eat less, but try passing up the birthday cake your office mate is proffering over the cubicle wall. Why should romance be any different? Hypocrite be thy name, but rest assured you're far from the only one. Just be happy you've realized he was a bullet dodged; and if the boyfriend had to be the one to pull the trigger, so be it. You're better off and you know it—much better than pining after him, or worse, taking his lame-ass criticisms seriously. I mean, "Too nice?" And you need to lose weight to be a better wife? Huh? Crazy and cruel is not a winning combination. And while we're at it, let's add "cowardly" to that description, because breaking up via text messaging is completely lame on so many levels. We don't realize these things at the time because loneliness can be scarier than putting up with some knucklehead's inane behavior. Not to mention that it's also easier to get over someone when you recall the bad parts of the relationship instead of the good. If it makes you feel any better, women aren't the only dating dolts. Men get hung up on inappropriate women constantly. You know how some guys like blondes and others prefer redheads? I have a good friend whose type is actually crazy and cruel—his current GF has those qualities in such quantities that I can't even be around them. I figure our friendship will pick up again once he ditches the bitch. I'll buy him beer and do my best not to say I told you so, because God knows he's seen me through some winners. (Thanks to the ex who had to "borrow" money from me to pay for my birthday party.) You're young, and I doubt this will be your last heartbreak, so maybe just look at it as a learning experience: Jackassery 101. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

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