Gregoire Gone Wild!

The last-ditch, top-secret campaign-makeover memo.

***Memo***To: All StaffFrom: Kelly EvansRe: Rebrand or DieI don't need to tell you that the charisma gap is killing us. Mr. Empty Suit is putting a spell on voters like a Hyundai salesman pushing fake leather seats. Issues aren't enough! How many times have I said that? "But," you keep whining, "the governor's got a proven record of accomplishment . . ." Well, la-di-fuckin'-da! Competence is a boner-killer at the ballot box. Just look at Hillary! I don't see schoolmarms with proven records of accomplishment appearing on SNL with Alec Baldwin, do you?Put that coffee down! Coffee is for closers!You wanna know what it takes to sell a governor? It takes brass balls to sell a governor!And here's how we're gonna save this sinking ship: We reinvent Chris, rebrand her, repackage her, find a new political model to sell. We've got to shake some goddamn salt-of-the-earth onto this governor before it's too late. Nobody wants to vote for some shushing know-it-all hall monitor. They want someone they can relate to, the kid who got sent to detention and was still voted Most Popular. And we've already got the template right in front of us, just up the Inland Passage. It's time for some new glasses, an up-do, and some fresh leaks to the media.Campaign staff who plant these stories in the dailies or on TV get to keep their jobs. On talk radio—steak knives. Alt-weeklies—you're fired!Here's the plan:• Ring up Ken Schram and get him to join her on a walking tour of Auburn. She can talk about growing up there, child of a single mom, yadda yadda. Here's the pitch: Chris was blue-collar before Sarah Palin was even born! I mean, Auburn? Are you kidding me? White trash are too good for Auburn. Even Wasilla looks down on that shithole.• People don't realize what a party girl Chris was at the U. First to tap the keg, last to leave. Let's get some blurry classmate "recollections," feed 'em to Connelly at the P-I. She'll drink you under the table, buddy, swipe your keys and drive your car home!• Her law degree? Gonzaga! Everybody knows Gonzaga's only good at basketball. That diploma isn't worth the paper it's written on! I've wiped my ass with better diplomas than that!• The hybrid SUV she's in is basically fine. But it'll be even better when it's jacked up on monster tires with a gun rack and tow winch! Then we stage a photo op on the Alaskan Way Viaduct with Chris at the wheel. So much for the airy-fairy liberals and their waterfront "boulevard." This is a workingman's highway, and Chris is going to keep it that way.• She's not part of the Olympia power elite. She gets her news at the hair salon, without any media filter. Which we leak to the media.• Memo to John Carlson: True, Palin knows how to shoot caribou. But if your dog shits on the governor's lawn . . .  well, now you know what all those little white doggie crosses on the grass mean.• No more follow-up questions at press conferences. Ever. Chris doesn't need to parse words to know what's in her gut.• Have Chris go on one of those stupid road trips through eastern Washington with Danny Westneat and "accidentally" confide how the desert landscape makes her think of the End Times. Also, drive 90 mph without a seatbelt.• You want maverick? We'll show you maverick! Chris Gregoire once got in a bar fight with Luke Esser and put him in the E.R.! And still she wears one of his teeth on a chain around her neck! Jamieson at the P-I will love that one.• We're ditching "Gregoire." I know, it's radical, but the focus groups hate it. It's too French-sounding. Fancy. It puts on airs. Who the hell's going to drink at Gregoire's Pub? We're going back to her maiden name. "O'Grady" captures the real Chris and is more relate-able. She's one of us!• Chris calls a meeting with the Spokesman Review editorial board, tells them how glad she is to be visiting "the real Washington, where people actually love this state."• "Ultimate dessert chef"? "Patient gardener"? "Packed a picnic lunch for their first date"? Can we get this shit about Chris' husband off the Web site immediately??? How about if he takes a lunge at a Hooters waitress in Lacey this weekend? Or better: Has snowmobile racing season begun yet?• Also: Have Chris fire a trooper, any trooper, immediately. Just because.• America needs to achieve energy independence. That's why Chris will announce to the Tri-City Herald her new policy of "Nukes, baby, nukes!"• Unfortunately it's too late to get either of Chris' daughters knocked up, especially since that older one—ixnay on the ixnay on the Harvard-nay law degree-nay!—just got married. So let's plant a rumor that her third daughter, the one she gave up for adoption in the '80s, is Britney Spears!Talking Points:• Party girl. Fun fun fun. All the time, nonstop, 24-7.• Two words: Bad. Ass. Print it, sell it, put that in your goddamn headlines, Boardman.• Doesn't blink. Ever.• Not out-of-touch or aloof. She gets it!• She can see Oregon from her house!

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