Analyzing Hank Williams Jr.’s “McCain-Palin Tradition”

Are you ready for some torture?

John McCain is floundering. Worse yet, his rallies just can't find the correct music. Foo Fighters, Heart, John Mellencamp, Van Halen, Gretchen Peters (Martina McBride's "Independence Day"), and even demographically appropriate Frankie Valli have all asked the Republican candidates to stop playing their music at McCain/Palin rallies. Happily, Hank Williams Jr.—who apparently is still alive—penned a new tune for the McCain campaign. VERSE 1 The left wing liberal media have Always been a real close knit family Analysis: Remarkable admission by Mr. Williams Jr. and the McCain campaign. Are they ceding the family-values issues to the Democrats? Further, let's point out that I do consider my brethren in the Democratic Party a tight-knit family. However, Al Franken never calls, he never writes... But most of the American People Don't believe em anyway, ya see Analysis: Not true, as indicated by any poll numbers published by any news organization—such as a New York Times/CBS News survey that had Barack Obama leading McCain by 53 to 36 percent, with 11 percent undecided. Stop and think it over Before you make your decision If they smell something They're gonna come down strong It's a McCain-Palin tradition Analysis: Do Democrats govern by a sense of smell? VERSE 2 Now this old Union's got problems That is plain to see Analysis: A surprising admission to hear at a GOP rally, putting the singer in the vast majority who think America is "on the wrong track." One could argue that those who believe we're on the right track have no need for "money," "jobs," or "food." The Democrats bankrupted Fannie Mae 'n' Freddie Mac, just like 1, 2, 3 The bankers didn't want to make all those bad loans But Bill Clinton said you got to Analysis: This doesn't make any sense at all. Lenders didn't want to make all those bad loans, but a former President—years after leaving office—required them to lend? Some simple understanding of lending-market dynamics should be mandatory for any aspiring songwriter. Paul Simon didn't become an expert in the commercial-paper market by accident, you know. Now they want a bailout, what I'm talking about Is a Democrat liberal who do Analysis: Please note that not only congressional Democrats and Obama reluctantly supported a bailout, but so did McCain, Republican Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, and closet Democrat President Bush. CHORUS John 'n' Sarah tell ya Just what they think And they're not gonna blink Analysis: Not true. Have you seen John McCain at a debate? Dude blinks more than a meth addict with a dry contactlens. And they're gonna fix this country 'Cause they're just like you 'n' ole Hank Analysis: What's with this "'n'" stuff? Are Republicans now against spelling out the word "and" because it's too elitist? Yes, John is a maverick And Sarah fixed Alaska's broken condition Analysis: What also helped Alaska's "broken condition"? A massive increase in revenue caused by a commodity-price spike and the resulting massive governmental intervention. Oh, and earmarks. Lots and lots of earmarks. They're gonna do just fine We're headed for better times It's a McCain-Palin tradition. Analysis: As opposed to the Dark Days of the Bush Administration, which has nothing to do with anything. VERSE 3 I am very proud of America's name But no society is perfect And we have had our stains Analysis: What stains is he referring to? According to Rush Limbaugh, Gitmo is a resort and Abu Ghraib was a fraternity prank. If I'm down at the coffee shop and Somebody wants to give our flag friction We say please move on Cause we're standing strong That's an old John McCain tradition Analysis: I've drunk at numerous coffee shops and no one has ever attempted to rub up against an American flag. [repeat chorus] VERSE 3 Some are bound to tell you I'm Preaching to the choir And that is very true Analysis: Shocking self-awareness, Bocephus. And we are going even higher Like a mama bear in Idaho She'll protect your family's condition Analysis: Like a mama bear in Idaho, Sarah Palin does not think well on her feet. Unlike a mama bear in Alaska, she will not be shot from a helicopter with a high-powered rifle. If you mess with her cubs She's gonna take off the gloves It's an American female tradition Analysis: A bear in Idaho will give birth to one or two cubs in a litter, which, much like Palin's granddaughter, will all be born out of wedlock after events which never, ever are to be described or interpreted as a choice. [repeat chorus]

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