This Week's Horoscopes

Aries (March 21–April 19)No deception is as dangerous and embarrassing as self-deception. Keep it real, even if it's inconvenient or wounds your pride. Don't pretend to be an expert if you're not. You can walk around the used-car lot kicking tires all day, but the only person you're really fooling is yourself. Trust me on this one. Admit and accept where you're at and what you know (and what you don't). Being a poser won't get you a better car; it'll just give the guys at the lot a chance to unload a lemon, and a funny story to tell over dinner.Taurus (April 20–May 20)After a weekend working in the garden, I'm sore. I used a lot of muscles that hadn't gotten much exercise over the winter. It's uncomfortable, but it also feels good. Follow my example. Spring is pretty much the perfect time to get the old machinery back in gear. If you haven't yet, start things up this week, and make sure you work out the kinks (and endure the inevitable sore muscles) now, while you can still afford to. You won't want to take time out to rest up later—so make things easy on yourself and get your ass in gear today.Gemini (May 21–June 20)Quit being so wasteful. Half of what you throw away—literally and figuratively—could still be repurposed in some useful and relatively easy-to-implement way. For example, composting all your organic food remains would not only cut down the sheer volume of trash you send to the landfill, it would also result in excellent soil you could use to grow your own plants (in a window-box herb garden, even). The specifics of your current situation don't particularly matter; there's not only a way to reduce the amount of waste you produce, but a way to transform it in a fashion that will actually enrich your existence.Cancer (June 21–July 22)Crying over spilled milk would be silly, but less silly than what you're doing now. At least the milk is real and made a real mess. What you're mourning is purely theoretical or downright imaginary, was never yours to lose, and was never going to be. Quit bemoaning the fact you don't have it; that's a waste of time. If you want to feel sad that you never had a proper chance, that's your business—but I still suggest you'd be better off pursuing things actually within your reach, rather than weeping about crap that's hopelessly beyond you.Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)Why so stressed? You may just be taking too much on, or simply not giving yourself a break. What would you give to ditch the worst burden you've been bearing? That kind of emotional slack should be worth quite a bit. This week you have the amazing chance to eliminate one of the top two consistent sources of stress and anxiety in your life. You may have to throw some money, shade, or hard work (or all three) at the problem to make it go away, but being rid of it will be well worth it, so don't hesitate.Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)Picture a one-room hut. A shack. Four walls and a door. It's as simple as could be. You probably wouldn't normally give it a second glance. What's to see? What's not obvious at first is that it sits atop a labyrinth of caves that would be impossible to fully explore or map. Such is a relatively new person in your life—at first glance almost painfully simple, but further investigation could reveal them to be one of the most profound and complex people you've ever known. Don't dismiss them, at least not before you've had a chance to check if there's more to them than meets the eye.Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)Clinginess is terribly unattractive. Take pains to eliminate any hint of it from your interactions (especially, but not exclusively, your romantic ones). If you find yourself making puppy-dog eyes at someone, desperate for their affection, you need to cool it fast or you'll end up getting even less of the attention you're so hungry for. Puppy-dog eyes are barely cute on a puppy. On a human they have an adorability half-life of two to five minutes—at which point whomever you were directing them at will probably start running from you as if you were radioactive.Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)You have so many great ideas, but hardly any of them ever get translated to the real world. They just live briefly in your head and are frequently forgotten before you ever decide to do anything about them. While it's probably true that many of them were never fit for anything beyond an idle flight of fancy, a few at least might have amounted to something if you'd given them the chance. Start making a habit of developing all your ideas just a little more than you have so far. Take them at least one step out of your brain just to see if they could survive there. You may be surprised at how many of them easily take on lives of their own.Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)That might be the Virgin Mary burnt into a piece of toast, but it's probably not. Your dream may have been prophetic, or it could have been just a random amalgamation of crap from your day-to-day. Beware of anything smacking of religious epiphanies or grand dramatic realizations this week. You might just be getting carried away. You're especially likely to perceive things that aren't quite there right now, or imbue things with profound and fascinating meanings they don't especially deserve. Sometimes it really is just a coincidence. Turn up the volume on your skepticism, or risk letting your own overactive imagination take you places you probably don't need to go.Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)The number 13 is notable and significant in many cultures and traditions, frequently associated with either very good or very bad luck. You could probably write a thesis on the history and origins of such beliefs, but the bottom line is: Such things are so subjective. They also inspire almost fanatical devotion at times. Don't take someone else's word that something might be bad or good for you just because it was for them (or because they're so emphatic or enthusiastic). Your luck is your own, and actually completely unconnected to anyone else's. Trust your gut, not someone else's fervent avowals that you're headed for trouble (or fortune).Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)I hate gimmick art. A movie or book or sculpture that uses some cheap, attention-getting ploy will never rank high in my book. I'm drawn to quality. Any story can be fascinating if it's told well (indeed, one of my favorite TV shows, Friday Night Lights, is about football, one of my least favorite subjects). Forgo gimmicks and tricks when trying to get your point across. Instead, concentrate on just telling your tale with heart. That's all it will take to make people want to listen to it.Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)You're almost like that old lady who lived through the Great Depression and still thinks a quarter ought to make a nice tip. To say you're not quite in tune with the current value of your efforts is an understatement. However, the good news is that some of you, at least, are undervaluing them. Stop accepting the equivalent of a quarter for what should be netting you much, much more. There's no need to be greedy, especially in these lean times. But there's also no need deliberately to rip yourself off. Make sure you get something at least close to what you're worth.

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