Dear David Byrne: I am a singer who used to be in a popular and highly influential 80s band until we broke up because we all hated each other. Since then, I have pursued a solo career, but all anyone ever wants to talk about is if Ill get my old band back together. Its driving me crazy. What do I do about this? S. Morrissey
Dear S. Morrissey: Trust me, I know exactly what you mean. Its like people expecting you to get back together with your ex-wife after youve escaped a 15-year mindfuck of a marriage. The key word here is crazy instead of just making boring albums that dont compare to your old bands work, you gotta do a bunch of weird projects so people think youre a batshit nutso artiste whos off in your own world, and then theyll leave you alone because they dont understand you. For example, Ive recently designed New York City bike racks that look like coffee mugs and ladies shoes, and chairs that look like file cabinets and dog toys. Ive done performance art using PowerPoint, and I rigged a giant building with sound-generating devices and a trigger mechanism to turn the place into one big musical instrument. It also helps if you stare at people a lot without speaking. Or twitch.