This Week's Horoscopes

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)Worse than cheating in general is trying to cheat, still losing, and then getting caught (and subsequently humiliated). That, my friend, is the lame scenario you're eligible for this week should you stray from the rules you agreed to. Is that really how you want to spend your birthday season? It's not only a terrible idea in general—it's doubly bad because you have every likelihood of succeeding with flying colors legitimately, without any funny business. Don't sabotage yourself by taking any tempting, dishonest shortcuts. Why not just abide by the guidelines, win fair and square, and call it a day?Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)Why, whenever someone reveals that they're a bit anal, overly organized, or even obsessive-compulsive, do people leap to the conclusion that they're a Virgo? While there's certainly a grain of truth to this, as most of the Virgos I know approach many aspects of their life with a certain pragmatism, this association is hardly fair, as all of them are actually quite balanced about it. Efficient doesn't necessarily mean uptight or rigid. In fact, appropriately executed, efficiency can lead to more time for relaxation. This week, show off just how laid-back and chilled-out you can be.Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)The problem with drama queens is that most of the time there's almost nothing you can do to shut them down. If they're determined to stir up shit, even your best-intentioned efforts will only escalate things. That's why, when you've seen this kind of over-the-top conflict arise before, you've usually done your best to steer clear and wait for the storm to pass. However, every so often you have the magical ability to step in and part the clouds before the thunder, lightning, and downpour even begin. The problem is knowing when this will work, and when it will just embroil you in a mess you should have avoided. Luckily, you have me to tip you off occasionally: This week is one of those weeks when the clouds will obey your every whim. Tell the sun to shine through, and it shall.Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)Delegate. Even though you're more or less responsible for how this situation turns out, that doesn't mean you're necessarily going to be the best one to make it successful. In this case, you're better off asking, demanding, or begging other people to do some of the heavy lifting for you. Don't take it all on by yourself. One of your greatest strengths is knowing your own weaknesses and limitations. (An Aries, for example, might burn out or fall flat on her face by pushing too far beyond those.) Make sure you acknowledge and honor them. While it's desirable to challenge yourself, be humble enough to know when someone else would rise to the challenge much more ably, and let them.Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)Some people have cultivated unusual tastes. They think cheese that smells like a sweaty foot is scrumptious (to be fair, I think those who enjoy cheese in a can are arguably weirder). It takes a while to get to that point, and sometimes you don't even notice you're there until someone else points out just how unusual it is. You may prefer milder cheeses, but your preferences in other areas have gotten just that wild and strange without you even noticing. Good for you! Own it, and don't be surprised when someone else seems a little weirded out; use the opportunity to make their world just that little bit wider.Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)Art, fashion, music, and the like are all so subjective. What is edgy to one person is just plain trashy to someone else. What fascinates this guy is tediously predictable to that guy. This is why you've largely gone for stuff that's more cut-and-dried. You can't argue with numbers, for example; either they add up or they don't. I can appreciate why you'd gravitate to that way of doing things, but please resist your temptation to apply those types of rules to things outside that world (like art or relationships). There, the equations don't work. Trying to make them balance out is simply an annoying waste of your time.Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)It's never too late to switch roads. It really and truly isn't. I won't disagree that changing your life path is much easier at 7 than at 70, but it's never impossible. Your rationale that it's simply too late is just a way of tripping yourself up. Sure, some paths are closed to you—you're not likely to become an Olympic gymnast or an astronaut starting in your 40s, for example. But that doesn't mean all routes are blocked off. In fact, there are so many still open, even at 70, that they vastly outnumber the ones whose bridges are washed out by age or missed opportunity. Stop feeling stuck, and just choose one of the myriad of roads leading away from here.Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)The dichotomy of being Piscean means you can simultaneously be astoundingly humble and a legend in your own time. It's both fascinating and confounding, this ability to apparently occupy two vastly different spaces at once. It seems to defy physics, or logic. However, don't feel bad about it. If anyone tries to browbeat you into being just one thing at a time, tell them (sweetly, of course) to piss off. This is one of your fascinating strengths, and the more you own and embody it this week, the better off (and more successful) you'll be.Aries (March 21–April 19)Rams don't usually do subtlety. Your primary technique is just to charge in and pound on things until they look the way you want them to. Consequently, when you try to be tactful, diplomatic, or understated, you suck at it. You usually overcompensate, and no one gets the hint, not even a little bit. Don't be too dismayed. Effective subtlety is an art (apprentice yourself to a successful Capricorn and see it in action). If you want to get good at it, keep practicing. Or else just lower your horns and charge in. After all, it's gotten you this far, hasn't it?Taurus (April 20–May 20)In Iceland, the majority of the population believes in elves. I'm not kidding. When asked in all seriousness if elves are real, more than half of the Icelandic people will tell you yes, of course they are. Many claim to have seen or otherwise had encounters with the fey folk. I'm sure you practical Taureans scoff, but really, who are you to disagree with an entire nation? My point is: The world as you know it isn't exactly the same one many other people experience. When their perspective differs from yours, don't automatically assume they're wrong, especially this week—you're the one that's likely missed the mark.Gemini (May 21–June 20)Most snack foods are designed to make it very hard to stop eating them. It's virtually impossible to open a bag of chips or popcorn and only consume one handful. In fact, for some people it's quite difficult not simply to finish the bag. Don't delude yourself that your willpower is so superior. It's not. What you're contemplating doing is like opening a bag of popcorn and only eating three kernels. It pretty much can't be done (and even if it could, what'd be the point?). Your choices here are obvious: Resign yourself to finishing the whole bag, or don't open it at all.Cancer (June 21–July 22)Who woke up this morning and elected you president? Well, everyone. Whatever the circumstance, you may find yourself suddenly and surprisingly with more authority, power, or money than you really know what to do with. Don't let it go to your head. Even though this came on all at once, you don't need to act on it right away. Take time to sort things out and see what can best be done with this strange little windfall. If you decide to run with it, you're very likely to trip and fall on your face. If I were you, I'd just sit down and have a good think before I even took another step.

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