Dear Dategirl,After my boyfriend and I broke up last month, I was thrown into a deep depression. I had barely any appetite for food, let alone sex. All but one of my friends proved very unreliable. But this friend stuck by me through sobbing late-night phone calls, accompanied me to movies, and actually cooked dinner for me more than once.For the past few weeks, I've been having fantasies about her, and masturbating to them. At first this didn't concern me. I was just happy to be having orgasms at all, and I have fantasized about sex with other women in the past (but haven't done anything).These fantasies aren't about sex, though. I imagine her stretched out on her bed, alone and naked, bringing herself to orgasm with her fingers. As time went on, I added details: her tongue moving across her upper lip, her left hand pulling at her nipple, and her screaming out my name as she comes. These specifics get me off like you wouldn't believe. I'm masturbating every night now, and have even succumbed to the temptation once or twice at work.Needless to say, hanging out with her has been a bit weird of late. I don't want to have sex with her; my fantasies stop at mutual masturbation. Where should I go from here? Is this something I should act on, or is it some bizarre post-breakup phase?—Confused
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Where you go with your yearning depends on many factors. But do realize that the depression and loneliness that follows a breakup can magnify any kind of kindness you're offered, and morph it into something bigger than it really is.So you need to figure out if your feelings for her are real, or if you're just so despondent that you're grasping for something—someone—to attach to. My advice to anyone getting over a busted heart is the same: Take some time to be single and get your shit together before you inflict yourself on anyone else. Otherwise you'll find yourself pulling embarrassing crap like the postcoital cryfest.Then there's the whole girl-on-girl aspect of your question. You say you've been attracted to women in the past, but haven't ever acted on it. Why not? You don't say whether or not she's gay or bi, which leads me to believe she's not. This adds another layer to the conundrum. Though the Kinsey Scale says most of us are bisexual to some degree, not everyone is interested in acting on it. Therefore a straight lady might get freaked out if her female friend announced out of the blue she wanted to engage in a little nipple tweaking. Hell, I'd be if someone I'd always considered a friend—male or female—suddenly busted a move.So if you conclude that your feelings of lust and longing for your friend are real, and not just born out of being burned, you need to handle your declaration delicately. Meaning: Leave out the specifics, like which nipple you prefer and the way her tongue dances across her upper lip.Like most things in life, embarrassing declarations are best when accompanied by alcohol and a good sense of humor. Whatever you do, don't make a big, serious deal of it. Just let it drop one night over drinks that you have a little crush and see what happens. If she's interested, you'll know. If she's not, let it go.