Mariners vs. Cleveland Indians

The abysmal Mariners are starting to look iconically bad, like a terrible team for the ages. Firing managers, shuffling the lineup, making disastrous trades, alienating fans, daring to question the sanctity of Ichiro … the list of follies goes on and on. People will cite this season for years to come as a landmark in suckage, maybe even study it in business school, like Enron or Washington Mutual. With our luck, Safeco Field will go into foreclosure and be sold for scrap metal. But the good people of Cleveland understand our plight, because over in the AL Central division, their Indians also occupy the cellar position. They’re equally lacking in power, pitching, and morale. Their bleachers are just as glum. So this four-game series, which begins tonight, should actually be an evenly matched contest. It’ll be like a battle between kittens: Aawww, how harmless and cute! They can’t hit, pitch, score, or inflict any other damage! And should you meet a Cleveland fan (granted, more likely at a bar than at Safeco), buy that pitiful soul a beer. With both teams sinking into oblivion, the best option is to drown your sorrows together. (Series continues through Sun.) T. BOND

Thu., Sept. 2, 7:10 p.m.; Fri., Sept. 3, 7:10 p.m., 2010

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