A Tale of Two Pussies

Dear Dategirl, I've been seeing this guy who loves cats. I love cats too, so his loving cats made him even sexier. He also loves another form of pussy—mine—and is a magician with his tongue. Lately, however, he talked me into letting his love of both pussies merge in the bedroom, and it's totally weirding me out. His kink is having his cat, Howard Jones, watch us bone. He trained the cat so when he yells "No one is to blame!", Howard rushes to his litter box and takes a dump. When my boyfriend hears Howard start to scratch, he blows a huge load into mi gato. Since I began indulging this fetish, the few times we've had sex without Howard, the sex has been awful. Whereas pre-fetish, it rocked. Is there any way to turn back the clock, or am I stuck fucking in front of a cat the rest of my life? —Cat Woman Being a cat lady myself, I'm going to set aside my skepticism. Don't get me wrong—I buy that the cat watches. Inky the perv also enjoys getting an eyeful when mommy's going at it. But the litter-box spooge catalyst? Well, though that's a bit farfetched, I just watched a show on adult babies, so I know the sexual spectrum runs from hot pink to turd brown. I'll answer your question on the off chance you're not lying. The question is, what changed to make your sex life suddenly suck? I mean, besides New Wave Kitty scratching at the door when he doesn't get to watch? If your guy is being manipulative and just laying there like a flaccid fish when he doesn't get his way, well, that's not very sporting. When one person has a fetish that the other doesn't share (yet still indulges), the rule should be 50/50. An easy way to do this is to switch off where you do the deed. When you're at your house—where you presumably don't have a cat trained to shit on command—you play by your rules. At his house, Howard Jones and his obedient bowels play their part. Problem solved. My boyfriend proposed! We're both 22 and have been together since our junior year in college. My parents love him, but I'm a little upset at my mother's reaction. She recently tried to talk me into living with him instead, postponing the wedding that we tentatively planned for June 2012. I'm angry and hurt. She and my dad have been happily married since she was 19, so why would she not want her only daughter to be happy? I know she won't boycott the wedding, but I want her to be as excited as I am. I always envisioned the two of us shopping for dresses and planning my big day together. Now I don't even want to talk to her. How can I get her on board? —Nearly Wedded Sorry toots, I'm on your mom's side. I don't care how stellar this guy is or how in love you are, you're practically embryos. Why the rush to the altar? Did it occur to you that the fact your mom was a teen bride might have something to do with her advice that you wait? Just before she died, my uptight, über-Catholic mom was all loaded on painkillers and eked out that she thought I had the right idea, trying out a few (ha!) different guys before settling down. That didn't mean she didn't love my dad, she just saw that there might have been other possibilities besides being the full-time mother of five kids before she was 30. So yeah, in this case, I'm going to have to say that mother does know best. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

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