Sarah Palin, We Welcome You

The five places in Washington the almost-vice-prez should visit.

Before her latest Paul Revere–related gaffe (he warned the British!), half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin had this to say about the gigantic bus with her name on it that she's driving around the country with a gaggle of reporters in tow: "It's not a publicity-seeking tour." Of course it isn't. So what is it? No one is quite sure. But if it's "about highlighting the great things about America" as she says it is, then why not come to Washington? After all, we're pretty damn historic. So historic, in fact, that it only takes a few minutes to think of five places in the Evergreen State where Palin could bring her "I'm Not Running for President, I Promise" tour, and a few suggestions of what she could do once she's there. 5. The Hanford site. Why she should go: Hanford's B Reactor was the nation's first large-scale nuclear reactor. Today the Hanford Site is the home of the largest nuclear-waste cleanup effort in the Western Hemisphere. Similarly, Palin's failed candidacy is the largest political cleanup site in the country. What she should do there: Palin's hunting skills are the stuff of legend. Her love of shooting wolves and moose from helicopters is well-documented. At the Hanford Site, years of spilled radiation has seeped into the wildlife. There are radioactive hornets, mice, rabbits—you name it. And if Palin came to Hanford, she could show what a true hunter she is by taking down a mutant beast and driving a flag lapel pin through its mutant heart. 4. Mount Rainier National Park. Why she should go: Mount Rainier National Park is not only a beautiful stretch of Pacific Northwest landscape, it's also historic in origin. When founded in 1899, it set the precedent for how national parks would be set up. A little precedent might help calm her inner maverick. What she should do there: Climb Mount Rainier! Sure, it'd take a little while. But we hear the views of Russia from the top of the mountain are unparalleled. 3. Bellingham. Why she should go: Besides being a gorgeous town with a first-rate university, Bellingham has an added bonus that's perfect for Palin: It's close to Canada! What she should do there: Leave Bellingham and head north to Canada. In the run-up to Congress' passing of the health-care reform package last year, Palin famously said she used to "zoom over the border" to take advantage of the country's socialized health-care system. From Bellingham, it'd be a hop, skip, and a jump into the Great White North, where she could ask Dr. Stalin to fix that winky thing she does with her eye. 2. Omak. Why she should go: The Omak Stampede, also known as the Omak Suicide Race, is a yearly event in which people race horses down a near-vertical cliff and through a river. The race typically injures or kills several horses, and has been condemned by essentially every animal-rights advocate who's ever heard of it. In short, it's perfect for Palin. What she should do there: Why, fire the starting gun, of course! That, or modify her moose-burger recipe for all that extra horse meat that's likely to be lying around. 1. Neighbours, Capitol Hill. Why she should go: Neighbours is Seattle's most iconic gay nightclub. And since the LGBT community despises Palin, a stint working a greasy pole on the dance floor might do wonders to repair her reputation with this voting bloc. Plus she can always just drop the British spelling of Neighbours and claim she was at a proper mom-and-pop diner if her conservative base gets worried. What she should do there: Dance, baby, dance!

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