No Bride Deserves to Wind Up on Tosh.0

Dear Dategirl, My parents hate each other. Even before their divorce, they fought constantly. Living with them was like growing up in a boozy war zone. My sister and I moved out of the house as soon as we could. Dad eventually had an affair, which Mom almost immediately found out about. My parents hadn't shared a bedroom since the early '90s, so this wasn't a big shock to anyone except Mom. Dad has since married the other woman. Since then, my relationship with my father has improved a great deal. He seems happy and quit drinking, and even though the way their relationship began troubles me, I have to admit I like his wife. Obviously, I have not shared this with my mother. My mother took their divorce badly—a lot like she took their marriage. Luckily, she has family money and my dad was generous in their divorce, so that's not a problem. But she blames Dad and "that slut" for their divorce and refuses to take any responsibility. That's not my problem, though. My big issue is that I'm getting married this October. Mom is an angry drunk and has already warned me that the new wife better not be there "or else." Dad's wife even volunteered to bow out, but he's refusing to let her, saying that if he's paying for the wedding—not my idea—he can damn well bring his wife. Personally, I'd love to have her there, but I'm worried that my mother will go ballistic. If we hadn't already sent invitations and put down deposits, we'd just elope. I'm so stressed that my hair is starting to fall out, and at 32, I just had my first panic attack. What can I do? —Wedding Woe First I would like to congratulate all the gay New Yorkers who are finally, legally, allowed to marry. Mazel tov to you and a state government smart enough to grant all its citizens this basic civil right. Washington: your turn. Now, to Double W's dilemma: It's too bad your mom can't put the selfish cray-cray aside long enough to smile through her daughter's wedding. I understand, as you seem to, that being in the same room with her ex and the woman he cheated with rates pretty high on the sucking scale. But part of being a grown-up means knowing you're going to have to ingest a certain amount of shit over the course of your life. Sadly, your wedding is your mom's day to eat that shit. I recommend that you remind your father that although your mother has been a shrew, she is your mother and deserves to be treated with respect. Therefore he should be the bigger person by not allowing himself to be drawn into any drama. Though I agree the new wife should be there, maybe he could cool it with the PDA for the day. He should be easier to strong-arm into behaving, as he's actually in a happy place right now. And unlike your mom, he won't be wasted. Your mom will be a tougher sell. Hopefully she has a sane friend or relative who can be her plus- one/buffer/cocktail-counter. If not, beg your sister to play that role. And, obviously, seat your parents on opposite ends of the room. But if your mom is still threatening "or else" as the wedding gets closer, you are going to have to lay down the law. Yes, it would suck to have your mother skip your wedding, but her absence is far preferable to a video of her drunken freakout going viral. No bride deserves to wind up on Tosh.0.

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