Ifs, Ands, Butts

Dear Dategirl, I am a 35-year-old male who enjoys receiving anal . . . a lot! I have been anally active for almost 20 years now, and still prefer it over any other type of sex. I am happily married, and my wife doesn't mind giving me anal with a toy or strap-on. However, anal is my thing and I want it much, much more than she actually gives. I'm not selfish, and I make sure she is taken care of, but how can I get her to give me anal more often? I hint that I want it pretty much every time we have sex. But sometimes she doesn't get the hint. One of the problems is that my strap-on and dildos are quite large, and she has told me that they can be difficult to handle. She would rather use smaller toys, but I need larger. How would you recommend making it easier on her? Should I back off from anal a little bit? Any other tips? —Ass Man I wish I could go back in time to show you my man's expression the day I greeted him wearing a glittery pink harness with a big ole purple dildo proudly protruding from my crotch. I thought I was spicing up our sex life, but instead of being titillated, he looked as though I'd sprouted a poo-stache. But let's get to your problem: As far as toy-wrangling goes, I'm not an expert, so I called in a consultant. Rachel Venning is one of the founders of the female-friendly sex-toy emporium Babeland. With her biz partner, Claire Cavanah, Rachel wrote the ultimate guide to sex toys, Sex Toys 101. She says, "The bigger the dildo, the more important it is that the harness be solidly built and worn securely. That's because a big, heavy dildo will tend to stretch anything flimsy, pull away from the wearer's body, and flop around in an awkward way." No fun for anyone. Venning also recommends getting your wife involved in picking out the harness and accoutrements. After all, she's the one who's going to be wearing it. "It sounds like she might enjoy a harness that's prettier than your average black-leather number. I recommend the leather Jaguar harness—it's extremely well-designed and sturdy, and comes in several colors, including silver glitter." Venning says the "Spareparts Harness" is another can't-miss because of its strong nylon/spandex construction. One thing you should definitely do is take your wife shopping, which is why it's imperative to stay away from sticky-floored strip-mall "adult" stores and go somewhere more geared toward women. Besides this (I hope it goes without saying that she should also pick out some items that she's curious about), you might want to incorporate assplay into your wank routine. People wear butt plugs for hours—maybe that's something you could try. Because while your wife sounds like an extremely good sport, that she ignores your ass-pleas leads me to believe she's not that into it. So perhaps trade off calling the sexual shots so it doesn't start to feel like an obligation. You might also try using a vibrating butt plug while you're pounding away at her. This way you both get what you want. Congrats on being such a communicative couple—I hope you appreciate what you have. I mean, you should see some of the depressing letters I get from couples who haven't had sex in years, living quiet lives of sexual deprivation and barely repressed resentment. While it may not be perfect, from where I'm sitting it sounds like you guys have a pretty solid sex life. Good luck making it even better. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

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