Dirtily Awesome Advice

Dear Dategirl, I love my girl, but for the past year or so it seems like I can never find the time or energy to fuck her. We live together, so you think it wouldn't be hard. (Ha ha.) I think the main problem is that I work constantly. We don't have much of a social life together either, because of my hours. I don't have seniority and money is tight at the moment, so vacations are off the table for now too. She goes to the gym and keeps asking me to go with her, but I'm a smoker and find the idea of exercise a little terrifying. When the weekends roll around, all I want to do is zone out in front of the television or fuck around on Facebook. She's losing patience, and I think it's also making her insecure about how I feel. She's been asking if there's someone else (there isn't) and whether I still think she's hot (I do!). I don't know what to do. —Mind Willing, Body Not Cooperating Quit smoking and get your ass to the gym. Seriously! Smoking fucks with your circulation (hullo—your ween needs blood flow) and exercise ups your endorphins and energy level. It's a win/win. You can go to a spin class, take a sauna, go home and fuck. Problem solved. Also, give your girlfriend plenty of compliments, foot rubs, and oral. You should also get a full checkup. Oh, and arrange to take a day off—unless you're on the verge of curing cancer or herpes, the economy can live without your participation for 24 hours. Dear Dategirl, My boyfriend is incredible. He's kind, handsome, successful, and good to my kids. We have been seeing each other for about six months, and the "L" word has been exchanged. He's 38 and I'm 32. My problem is with his job: He's a personal trainer. Most of his clients are well-off divorcees, and though the majority of them are older than I, these women are extremely well-preserved. I am trying my best not to let the green-eyed monster get the better of me, but he's in their homes "adjusting their forms." I'm attractive, but still I worry. I feel like if I talk to him about it, it'll somehow manifest itself, so I hesitate to bring it up. How can I get over this insecurity? —Not a Gym Bunny I'm going to come right out and cop to feeling a little envy here. My next-door neighbors are both personal trainers, and they have some of the most gymnastical, fantastical-sounding, sofa-shaking sex I've ever witnessed through an apartment wall. My boyfriend thought I was exaggerating their raucousness (they usually go at it while he's at work), until one day they were pounding away while he was home. He thought it was an earthquake! He remained unconvinced it was actual human beings having sex until she let out a 10-decibel orgasmic howl. We both felt a tad inadequate that afternoon. Sigh. What were you asking? Oh, yeah, about the jealousy thing. Look, some people cheat, some people don't. I understand that the personal-trainer angle has a certain porn-tastic edge, but I've met plenty of jerks with office jobs who step out, and plenty of monogamous strippers. Unless you have some specific reason to mistrust your boyfriend, you need to give it a rest. I'm not a believer in The Secret, and so disagree with "If you say it, it will happen." I think you should tell him, sweetly, that sometimes his job gives you pause, and explain why. Talking things out can go a long way toward defusing them. Then you can go back to having some of that hot, personal-trainer acrobatic schtupping. Just buy the kids earplugs, because there's no need for them to hear mommy getting plowed like a fallow field. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

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