Girl-on-Girl Trouble

Dear Dategirl,

This isn't a relationship question, but my best friend is obsessed with male attention. She's a great girl, but if there's a man around, I'm invisible. It doesn't matter if it's he's old, ugly, married, single, whatever! This past weekend I made her go back inside and put on a bra because her dress was actually obscene! We can't just go out for a few drinks and talk because she's always looking over my shoulder.

I'm one of her only female friends. She thinks this is because other women are "jealous" of her, but I don't blame them, because I've seen her in action with mutual friends' men. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she won't listen. She recently slept with someone I was madly in love with (unreciprocated), and then claimed she had no idea how I felt when I got upset. This is a lie. She knew, but was so apologetic that I forgave her (though not completely). I mean, I guess he didn't like me, so she might as well have. How do I ask her to dial it down a notch or two?


I have only anecdotal evidence to back this up, but please, never trust a woman without any other female friends. "Jealousy" is rarely—make that never—the case. Women who have managed to alienate every other female in their vicinity are inevitably wretched bee-yotches who have driven all the girls away with their cunty behavior, not their extreme, envy-inducing awesomeness. I mean, there's always someone better looking/more successful/younger/thinner, etc. Are we all doomed to be friendless? I mean, I'm fucking awesome and I have tons of friends!

The only reason men stick around these types is because they think they might get laid. Think about it: You're rendered invisible if there's a penis around. What kind of "friend" is that? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? I mean, besides a steaming side of humiliation?

Your friends are supposed to think you're even cooler than you actually are. They're supposed to high-five you when you're happy and buy you beers when you're sad. A good friend will tell you when you're being nutty about some loser, and share your anger if you've been wronged. They aren't, however, supposed to OBO (Other Better Offer) you—meaning if you two have plans and Danny Dickhead calls and wants to fuck her, she's not supposed to blow you off to go meet him instead. A good friend tells Mr. Dickhead that tomorrow would work better as she already has plans. WITH A FRIEND.

Finally, a friend is not supposed to fuck the guy you're all gooey over. Yeah, you don't get to call dibs for all time, but c'mon. There is a friend code that dictates you handle such conundrums with sensitivity and discretion. Like maybe you talk to your crushed-out friend first—tell her, before anything happens, that you and her beliked have hit it off. You don't just dry-hump him at the bar in front of her while she stands there trying not to cry. Can you tell I've had this happen? You can bet that twatsicle was immediately crossed off my Christmas card list.

So really, this is a relationship question. Certainly this chick has issues, but they're not your problem. Whether her daddy didn't love her enough or she's a former fattie turned fox—who cares? That's not a Bitch License. You don't need to ask her to dial it down, listen while you're talking, or quit fucking your crushes. You need to woman up and extricate yourself from this horribly toxic relationship. Not only do you deserve better, you'll be surprised at how much prettier, smarter, and funnier you feel once she's gone.

FYI: October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you or anyone you know is facing violence at home, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-2233. This line is open 24/7, and they can give callers contact info for local resources.

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