Filthy Hallmark Moments

Dear Dategirl,

The last two men I've gone to bed with have gotten seriously freaky once the clothes came off. The first guy—who was the first person I'd been with since my divorce—kept slapping my ass and calling me "slut" and "bad girl" as soon as we began getting into it. To his credit, he cooled it with the name-calling after I told him to stop, but his whole porn-star act was a turnoff. It was also unnerving, because up until that point I had felt a real connection.

The next one had about two pounds of metal pierced throughout his penis. It felt . . . interesting, but I can't say it's something I'd like on a regular basis. Again, you'd never know it to look at him. He works at Microsoft!

Are all men just freaky now? Is this porn's fault? How can I tell what someone's going to be like in bed?

—Never Thought I'd Call Myself "Prude"

I don't think you can blame porn for pierced peens, but cheesy dialog? Kind of. More like a fatal combination of too many dirty movies coupled with a lack of imagination.

Two things I do blame on porn: the disappearance of pubic hair and the expectation that wildly unattractive middle-aged men will have a never-ending supply of gorgeous, horny nubiles.

You can tell what someone will be like in the sack using a variety of methods. Watch him eat, as finicky eaters with tons of allergies are going to have a long list of sex acts they're unwilling to perform—many of them with their mouth. Is he super-religious? You're looking at a super-freak who'll be fun but feel guilty about it later. Good dancers equal fine fuckers, and I like to think firemen are great lays, though I've never been lucky enough to find out. Lead singers tend to be lazy lovers; stick with the rhythm section. Mama's boys will be highly conflicted and definitely perverted, but in more of a disturbing, rather than exciting, way.

I wouldn't worry that all men are freaky; you're just having an interesting run. Treasure these memories like a filthy Hallmark moment. You'll appreciate them someday. I promise.

My husband left me for his first girlfriend. They reconnected through Facebook, and now this skank is my children's stepmother. My 8-year-old son seems to like her, which hurts. My daughter is 14 and knows the situation: This whore destroyed our family. Her father is upset because our daughter does not hide her hatred and disgust for the woman who ruined our lives.

He and I get along fine, but my daughter's hatred is causing some stress between us. I know it's wrong, but I can't help but be happy about this.

—A Woman Scorned

Even a non-breeder such as myself knows that what you are doing is completely misguided, idiotic, and just so completely wrong. Being a responsible parent means putting your own feelings aside for the good of your kid. Sorry, but you no longer have the luxury of being a petty jerk. I realize you're only human, but to encourage your daughter's loathing while guilt-tripping your son because he doesn't hate her is completely awful. I saw a similar scenario play out in a friend's divorce, and watching that little one twist herself into pretzels trying to please both parents was heartbreaking.

I understand you're angry, but don't you think it's kind of odd that you're furious at the other woman, yet seem to have nothing nasty to say about the guy who wiped his ass with your marriage license? Like her or loathe her, this woman is part of your family now. You can bitch about her to your friends, therapist, or even your ex-husband, but when it comes to your kids, zip it. The better her relationship is with your children, the better off they'll be.

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