Bridal Farty

Dear Dategirl,

My upcoming wedding is pushing me over the edge. My maid of honor announced she was adding a floral accent to her dress (which I paid for!), so now all the other bridesmaids want to add their own "flair." One wants to wear a fascinator shaped to look like the Eiffel Tower. None of us are French and the wedding is in Olympia. My future mother-in-law says our color selection is unflattering and refuses to cooperate. My grandparents won't come if liquor is being served because they're religious, though they have no problem eating at restaurants with bars. The instructions we've been getting back with the RSVPs on various relatives' dietary restrictions are mind-boggling. We're having a formal reception, and decided it would therefore be child-free. Now the best man says he won't come because he and his wife will be "too stressed out" without their 5-year-old, who is a monster. So now my fiance thinks we should rethink our no-kids policy, even though the venue is completely child-unfriendly.

I don't have a Bridezilla bone in my body. I haven't yelled at anyone, but I'm so stressed I'm having stomach issues, vomiting, cramping, crapping, etc. How can I just make everyone do what I want for just one special day out of my life? Help!

—Considering Elopement

You need to sit yourself down, pour a nice, strong, grandparent-disapproved cocktail, take a sip, and let it go. Who cares if a bridesmaid wears a funny hat? Or another sews a big posy to her dress? Or your grandparents skip the wedding over the one thing that makes them bearable—free booze? If your best man can't leave his brat with a sitter for one night, I'd say that disqualifies him as "best." Maybe "fifth-best" or "not-so-great" man would be more accurate. Let him stay home—more booze for the fun-havers in the crowd.

I understand that you and/or your parents are shelling out a bunch of dough for this event, but it's really just one night out of your life. If your mother-in-law is happier in cobalt than mauve, isn't it better that the woman you're going to have to stare at over Thanksgiving dinner for the next 20 years is comfortable rather than resentful as she watches you steal away her baby boy? Why would you want everyone's outfits to match your napkins anyway?

This is why I hate weddings: As soon as the W-word comes into the picture, everyone turns into an asshole. Caterers double their prices, taffeta pouf becomes a viable option for the usually fashion-inoffensive, and normally sane people lose their minds over things like boutonnières and tulle bags of Jordan almonds. Do I really need to remind you that a wedding is one day and a marriage is allegedly forever? Instead of hyperventilating over seating charts and your Uncle Win's gluten intolerance, you should be practicing your blow-job technique, working those kegels, and figuring out how to wrap your ankles around the back of your neck. That way, when you get on each other's nerves—which you will—you can keep having hot sex long after the last toaster has been returned for store credit.

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