Ovary Up, Bitch!

Dear Dategirl,

I just got out of the longest pseudo- relationship that I've ever had. It was one of those situations where everyone knows you're dating because you go on dates, but for whatever reason one of you (him) just won't pull the trigger, leaving the other person (me) in a very awkward position. When it finally ended, I had nothing else to say but "WTF?"

So I have this mildly horrible experience under my belt, and as dating goes, I don't even know where to start. I went to a big college in a small town in Eastern Washington, but neither farmers nor frat boys are really my type. I haven't had a real boyfriend since high school, which is one of the most pathetic things I've ever admitted.

When I go out, only the biggest goober in the place musters up the balls to come ask me for my number. I do not want to give the goober my number, but he usually insists on leaving his with me. A few of my girlfriends have tried setting me up, but it never works out. Am I just too picky? What do I do? What don't I do?

—The Young and the Mateless

Let's get one thing clear first: An ambiguous non-relationship does not count as "horrible." A horrible dating experience would entail your date leaning over you to gaze deeply into your friend's eyes and tell her how beautiful she is. Horrible might also include watching a date swipe something out of your jewelry box when you have your back turned but, unbeknownst to him, can still see him in the mirror. Possibly most horrible is the date who shits himself in your bed, then sneaks out in the morning without cleaning up. These are all horrible dating experiences, and yet I lived to date another day.

What you need to do is quit being such a retro bitch and blaming everything on the man. If you're wondering whether some schmo considers himself your boyfriend, ask him. Don't get all bent out of shape because he hasn't said the words—men, especially the young ones, can be fairly inarticulate when it comes to matters of the heart. It's up to us—you—to clarify that that's something you need to know.

"The biggest goober in the place musters up the balls?" Yeesh, Mean Girl: Do you know how scary it is to walk up to a pack of women and ask one of them out? I'm not saying you have to go out with anyone you're uninterested in, but you seem to lack both empathy and initiative. Uninterested in the guys who ask you out? Look around for someone who gives you a wet-on and ask him out. It might give you an appreciation for what those "goobers" go through. Your girlfriends fix you up with duds? Try online or speed dating.

Just do something! Quit being a pouty observer in your own life, ovary up, and risk playing the fool. Regardless of what happens, he probably won't poop all over your good sheets.



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