What About Two Lips on an Organ?

Dear Dategirl,

Tonight my friend Lola's ex told her that if a guy comes on your chest, he respects you; on your face, he loves you? I've never heard this "guy code" before. What's your opinion?

—Wannabe Code Cracker

Ah, yes . . . what kind of philistine would opt for silly words like "I love you" when a splattered spoonful of baby batter does the job so much more elegantly?

And naturally, the titty trophy signifies a deep and abiding respect. I mean, hello, pearl necklace? You don't give one of those to just anybody. So yes, I totally agree with Lola's ex. I'm certain he wasn't just angling to give a girl a facial.

Dear Dategirl,

I just found out that my best friend was cheating on her husband and lying to me about it. The way I heard it first, she'd had a one-time lesbian fling with a client (my friend is a trainer), and my friend's husband found out and beat the crap out of her. Her husband has been cheating on her since before they were married—he even hit on me once—and the beating, I hate him. Always have, always will.

But now I'm mad at my friend too, because I found out this "one night stand" has actually been going on for over a year, and she's been lying to me about it the entire time. She'd been acting strange, so I even asked if she had someone on the side, and she vehemently denied it. My friend's excuse was that she thought I'd be "weird" because she was sleeping with a woman. I'm not buying this because my sister's gay (and we're very close), as are many of our friends. I'm furious and I feel like I don't even know her anymore. And not because she's fucking a woman! What do I tell her?

—Don't Care If She's Gay

What do you tell her? I'd start with "Liar, liar, pants on fire" and work from there.

That's the funny thing about cheaters—we never expect them to lie to us, but so often they do. Like somehow our friendship means more than a pledge to remain faithful and a wedding they paid $40k for.

Normally friends don't let on that they're cheating because they feel like their friends will disapprove and give them shit, but in this case you already knew what a dirtbag she'd married. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say it just sounds like some sort of dumbass defense mechanism. Resist the temptation to be drawn into defending yourself.

In her defense, she seems to be in a pretty crappy place, married to a guy who cheats on her and hits her, so trust probably isn't a concept she's very comfortable with. If she doesn't normally lie—and I'm assuming she doesn't, or why would you be friends?—I'd let this slide. Considering her regular life, it was probably nice for her to have a safe loving secret for a while.


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