Rim Jobs and Painful Peckers

Dear Dategirl,

After a long dry spell, I'm back on the market. While it's great to fuck someone other than my jerkoff ex-husband, I'm finding the game has changed a lot since the last time I had casual sex. For example, last night a guy segued out of traditional oral and slid his tongue right on down to my butthole! While not wholly unpleasant, it was unnerving. He said I had "a sweet ass made for eating." I am usually a fan of reciprocating what I'm getting, but I have no desire at all to put my tongue in his asshole. Is this expected now? To be fair, he didn't seem to expect anything in return, but I'm polite enough to feel a little guilty.

—Prudish or Prudent

Congrats on finally getting some. It's always good to have a palate-cleanser after a long dry spell, and yes, though I have only anecdotal evidence to back it up, salad-tossing does seem to be on the rise among even the normally vanilla hetero set. But(t) no, you're under no obligation to reciprocate.

However, if he brings it up and asks for a little tongue-on-tush action, you may need to decide whether or not you want to go there. If you choose to, make sure you're safe, by using some sort of barrier method. Though the chances of catching the Big A through analingus are slim, ingesting fecal matter—even trace amounts—can cause all sorts of repulsive stomach issues, and nothing's less sexy than explosive diarrhea.

I have a problem with my dick. The mushroom head is hypersensitive and blow jobs hurt. When my girl tried again last night, I thought I was going to pee, and I made her stop. Today it's red. It hurts, so I tried some lotion I found in the bathroom, but that made it worse. I can't tell my mom. Do you think my girl gave me something?

—Dick Hurtz

I can advise you on what to do when your date stiffs the bartender, when your mother-in-law hates your guts, or even how to become completely irresistible to everyone in your path. What I can't do is diagnose a painful penis.

Because you mention your mom, I'm assuming you're pretty young and still living at home. And yes, as embarrassing as it may be, I'm going to advise you either to tell one of your parents that you need to see a doctor or take matters into your own hands and make an appointment yourself. FYI, despite what the rabid right wing might lead you to believe, Planned Parenthood offers health care to men too, and they see patients on a sliding-scale basis, so even a high-school student can afford a visit.

Which is not to say that your willy worries are definitely of a sexually transmitted variety. As you get older, you'll see that all sorts of things can go wrong with your parts. Another thing you'll learn is that unless you want to make a bad thing worse, don't go around smearing random lotions on your junk. Get thee to a doctor, stat.


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