How to Get Fit Without Moving Your (Fat) Ass

While I continue to explore various ways to stay in shape, lose a few pounds, and live forever, most options are too difficult (CrossFit), painful (Pilates) or beyond my reach (Parkour). Thus, I am moving on to programs and products which do not require so much damn exertion!

The first, of course, is weight loss surgery. There’s Bariatric (lap-band) surgery, liposuction (use the extra fat to plump your lips!) or you can have your jaw wired shut. My favorite new surgical option is the tongue patch - where they basically staple a rough piece of plastic on your tongue, making it painful (and annoying) to eat.

The plastic surgeon who invented it calls the procedure “minimally invasive” - I’d hate to see what he says about a butt-lift. Disclaimer: Surgery is always a bad idea, and can kill you.

Another non-sweaty option (besides swimming, which is annoying, exhausting, and involves the potential of drowning) is to take a fucking walk. That’s right, just strolling ‘round the neighborhood reduces the risk for heart attack, manages weight, lowers blood pressure, and makes you live longer. Walk for half an hour to prevent weight gain, and 45 minutes if you want to lose the tire. (People who walk 45 minutes a day can drop 30 pounds a year without changing their diet.) Sex is good too, but more work, and has a higher risk of heart attack (and napping).

Believe it or not, cleaning the house is a good way to burn approximately 150 calories an hour. And that’s just light dusting! Add mopping the floor, washing windows (Do It!), or cleaning out your garage and you can burn up over 300 calories an hour. For outdoorsy hipsters, doing yard work can really kick things up a notch. Weed-wacking or pushing the damn mower long enough and you’ll finally look good in that wife-beater you’ve been wearing for too many moons. (Speaking of which, doing laundry can burn up to 170 calories an hour...)

Simple things can help: getting off your ass, literally, is a good idea. Standing up whenever you answer the phone or read mail or pay bills burns 1 1/2 times more calories than remaining seated. Not chowing in front of the TV is a good idea as well, as studies have shown you eat less when you’re not absent-mindedly just eating the entire bag of Cheetos. Speaking of shoving things in your pie-hole, putting produce in your line of sight makes you three times more likely to eat healthy food. And weighing yourself every week is a good check - not only will you want to stop the number from growing wildly (and perhaps do something about it), but every single diet in the world that is successful has this as the most basic step.

There are some simple tricks that can help with weight loss, and who doesn’t like using trickery (instead of reality) to burn off those unwanted calories: Paint it blue - no really, decorate your kitchen and dining room with the color blue, a well-known appetite suppressant. Blue plates, blue tablecloths, blue food coloring! (Have you ever seen a fast-food restaurant that’s blue? No, you haven’t....) Using smaller plates also helps with downsizing. The less chow in front of you - the less you chow. Same goes with liquids - so skip the Big Gulp, and try a thimble. (OK, instead of sucking down Mountain Dew in a 16 ounce glass or big-ass coffee mug, use an 8 ounce glass or 6 ounce coffee cup.) Speaking of mugs, another gimmick is to - get this - hang a mirror across from you at the dinner table. According to one study, having to look at yourself - especially if you’re not at a place you want to be - can help you reach weight-loss goals, and cut the amount individuals eat by one-third. And eat slower. Really - set the spoon down, sip some water between bites, and just slow the pace, tiger. (Go here for 50 more “tricks).

Finally, for those with too much money, and not enough time, you can forget about fancy Titanium bikes, or even those annoying stationary bikes - because now there’s the Bike Hovercraft.

It may not help with cardio, but two things are certain: you’ll look supercool flying around on it (chickmagnet!?), and second, the thing will obviously crash into a random KFC parking lot, killing you instantly, in which case it’s really not going to matter how much you weigh, only that you put on clean underwear.

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