This installment of Dick Move of the Week takes us east of the mountains, where the population may be sparse, but apparently the dicks are just as plentiful.
Crooks and thieves aren’t necessarily known for their manners. Inherently, all of them are dicks. It goes with the territory. But, as the Spokesman Review detailed Thursday, some thieves are bigger dicks than others. And because of this, one of them takes home the coveted Dick Move of the Week award.
As the Spokesman-Review’s Kip Hill reports, Stephen Crowder’s wife, Nancy, passed away in 2008 after a battle with ovarian cancer. The couple was married for over 20 years. Since Nancy’s passing, Crowder had kept his wife’s ashes in a box, tucked away in the bedroom closet.
Until this week, that is, when Crowder discovered it missing. In the process of renovating his house, Crowder arrived Tuesday to find a backdoor open and his belongings in disarray. Along with some antique jewelry and a television, Nancy’s ashes were gone.
“It’s almost like she died all over again,” Crowder told the Spokesman-Review. “Because she was gone unexpectedly, and now she’s gone unexpectedly.”
Wow. Total Dick Move, thieves.
Despite all of it, Crowder, who’s preparing to remarry, is taking the high road. He doesn’t want the thieves to go to jail or be pelted by shit-covered rocks – like they deserve. Rather, he tells the Spokesman-Review he just wants his deceased wife’s ashes back.
Doesn’t seem like too much to ask. In the spirit of the holidays, Ebenezer Scrooge, and the Grinch, perhaps this Dick Move of the Week winner will redeem himself in the end.
Let’s hope so, but not hold our breath either. Unfortunately, that’s not usually how dicks operate.
Dick Move Runners Up:
Discrimination: The folks in charge over at Eastside Catholic High School deserve major Dick Move consideration this week for forcing the resignation of vice principal and swim coach Mark Zmuda for nothing more than marrying the person he loves … who happens to be a man. According to the school, Zmuda’s gay marriage doesn’t “comport with the [teachings] of the church.” If this column was called “Bigoted Bullshit of the Week,” Eastside Catholic’s administration would be the unquestioned winners.
Snow dusting: Total Dick Move, Mother Nature. Go big or go home.
Duck Dynasty: More like Dick Dynasty, amirite?
Elf on the Shelf: Just because.
This: Is the very definition of a Dick Move – literally.
Lastly: A special Dick Move of the Week goes out to Seattle Weekly’s departing Managing Editor Dan Person, who’s leaving the paper to move to some godforsaken town in Eastern Washington we’ve never heard of. Sure, Person and his wife are excited about this new chapter in their lives, and it seems like a positive move for them both … but still. Total Dick Move, you two! Today is Dan’s last day and we’re sad. And hungover from getting him drunk last night … which just makes the pain worse. Y U Got 2 Leave Us, Dan!?!
*About Dick Move of the Week: Every week, Seattle Weekly embarks on the daunting task of sifting through all the dick moves pulled in our fair city to determine which was the biggest, hardest, or otherwise dicky-est of them all. Have a nomination? Email Matt Driscoll, firstname.lastname@example.org .